How do I love him? part 1

We are in the kitchen and I am complaining…about nothing and everything. He is leaning against the counter..legs crossed, arms folded, clenching his teeth while trying to make his face neutral. When my rant is over, he asks, with a very controlled voice, “What do you want me to do, Bec?” And…and ….and I don’t know. Because I didn’t have a purpose in mind when I started complaining I was just venting…but my venting, made those strong shoulders slump in defeat after a full 10 hour day of work and made his kind blue eyes fill with irritation..all because I didn’t take a minute to quietly pray and think. Unfortuately, this is not an isolated incident but as I was thinking about this particular moment today God spoke truth into my selfish heart.

Because usually at this point in the “non-argument but me venting moment” is where I (and many women) go all wrong. I usually get even more mad, “I don’t want you to do anything. I want you to care and just listen to me.” And I am not saying that we are completely wrong but at this moment heaven opened and The Spirit sweetly whispered…”men aren’t women”. So, I set out to discover what that had to do with anything. And as I searched the scriptures I discovered that men, in fact, are called to be doers. In Genesis 3:19 God says to Adam, “By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread…” After, the fall things no longer came easily. Work became how men would provide for the livelihoods of their families. Before, the fall, there was just communing with God and work was a joyful fellowship while tending to the things of the earth. But now, in a broken and fallen world…all man can do is work by the sweat of his face. So when I ask my husband to “just listen” I am asking him to go against what is required of him (by God) in order to provide. The reason he wants to “fix it” is because he loves and cares and wants our home to be good…and yet, in my selfishness, even his wanting to love and provide for me can be used to hurt him. And THIS is where I need to be careful.

Words. Words flow from the mouth like water….and, for me, often I don’t put them in check. To friends and co-workers I may filter but often to my husband and children, I simply say whatever comes into my head. (There is lots to be said about parenting ..but we are sticking with marriage here) You see, my husband is wise and planned and so capable of being the head of this home that I often forget how deeply a careless word can hurt him. I have repented of this before God and Trevis, because, by Gods grace, I want to be a helpmate not a HURTmate. I am trying to be more intentional in speaking words that build him up, make him see himself as God sees him. Even when those words of affection aren’t returned …because it’s not about getting something FROM him. It’s about GIVING something TO him. And not giving so that my husband is pleased with me or more in love with me but giving because …God is pleased and I will have to account for my words…both encouraging and discouraging. I have to tell you that my world has been rocked by Matthew 12:36 “But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken.” I don’t know about yall but this is a convicting. Oh how I have prayed the words of David,”Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” Ps. 19:14 I speak so many carelss words….

I am not trying to give the impression that I am a perfect wife. God knows, I am not…and many of you do too. LOL!! But I am trying now to be a wife who SEES what my husband does for us. Who SEES how he wants to care for us…even if he gets it wrong sometimes. Because ultimately, I want, at the end of my life, to look back and not grieve the marriage that my kids saw when they lived at home. I want my daughters and son to look back on the short time we had under one roof and see that faults and failures were and should be covered by forgiveness,grace and joy.

So today I ask myself, does my husband find confidence in me? Does he seek me out as a refuge because I am a place of safety and comfort? Does he know, that I desire to be that for him? Because remember, my venting in the kitchen? The key phrase was, “I didn’t have a purpose, I was just…..” I need purpose. We as wives need and have purpose. And it’s bigger than cooking meals, folding laundry, ironing, keeping a clean house..It’s bigger than even serving at church or your community. Because if all those things are done and everyone is impressed with your service but your husband is hurt, defeated, never knowing what he is going to come home too then you have missed the most important calling as a wife.

I encourage you to seek out your husband today.Thank him for the little things he does that you take for granted. If you have been critical, say your sorry. And don’t do this expecting Prince Charming to appear. Do it because it pleases God and brings Him glory when the heart of His children seek to be about HIS business.“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father, through him.” Colossian 3:17