Dear Kristen Stewart ….(and all young women)

Darling girl,
You have been on my heart this week and in my rare quiet moments I have found myself praying for you. Which is odd..because we don’t know each other, nor will we ever meet. But after reading your apology to Rob for your indiscretion, my heart broke for you. No, not because your relationship may have ended, but because I remember all to clearly being 22. I remember living impulsively, thinking more with my heart and hormones rather than my head. I remember sometimes looking at my life and thinking, “how did I get here?”.  The reason my heart broke was because I remember my shame and guilt. And it was very great indeed. Words carelessly spoken dissolved friendships and caused heartbreak, actions that should have meant alot held no promise and destroyed relationships that were sweet…. because I was too young to realize that everything I did really does matters in life. 

I hurt many people when I was younger. I left the impression that all I cared about was myself…and at the time that was marginally true, but mostly, I wasn’t thinking about anything but the moment. Truthfully, half the time I wasn’t even thinking …I was feeling…and feelings?  They change alot. Making them not a great foundation upon which to live. I made my mistakes in private without the world watching and I carried that shame for my actions for many years. Too many years….I am writing today not as a Twilight fan (which I am) but as a woman who made a great deal of mistakes. I want to share with you a great hope…a hope that is greater than the restoration of your reputation or the restoration of your relationship with Rob. I want you (and all young women to know) that there is beauty in being broken. There is beauty is finding that you have come to the end of yourself. There is beauty in finding that you couldn’t be seen as any worse of a person than you are in this very moment….because it is in THAT very moment that you find there is one who loves you so greatly that nothing you do or have ever done will separate His love for you…and that love comes from Jesus. 

You see, grief, for our actions,…pain…. or shame it isn’t suppose to hold us captive. It isn’t suppose to sit on our shoulders and remind us that we aren’t good enough. It’s meant to be a catalyst to bringing us closer to God. In the bible 2 Corinthians 7:10 says “Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation, without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” Repentance isn’t just saying “I am sorry for the pain I have caused.” Repentance is an understanding that your actions have yielded you helpless….helpless to make things right on your own.  Repentance is to draw you to the realization that God loves you…He wants to take your heart and restore it. He wants you to know that Jesus Christ, a sinless man, died on a cross so he could bare not just your shame and sin but everyones so that you could know HIM. God LOVES YOU!! There is grace to be found that can transform life. Life can be full of love, hope, peace….even in the midst of the storm….even when everything is falling apart and you still are reaping the consequences of your actions God is there…and his grace is enough.

We are all a people in need of saving. In fact, we are all people in need. Fame, youth, beauty…..they all fade. We, the public, are entertained by actions that we are appalled by in reality. (Were we not entertained when Bella kissed Jacob?)  And yet, today we look at a beautiful young women who made an extremely bad choice and we act as if we have never committed a sin. As if we didn’t reenforce the idea that it’s ok to cheat every time we watch and swoon over movies in which we cheer for the affair to continue rather than the marriage simply because it’s romantic. Now the world is in an uproar….ironic isn’t it?

I do not hold you or other actresses up to being role models for my daughters. That is my job.. to find women that they can see, know and learn from in order to enrich their lives and inspire them.  Having all that you have at 22 must be a great burden. Fame and money seem like really fun things to have until you mess up…and then it probably seems like everything you ever thought was true about yourself and others sort of dissolves. It must be lonely. There is one who is willing to meet you…in the quiet moments when you hurt so badly that your breath doesn’t come…His name is Jesus, and all you have to do is call on His name and He will come….Romans 10:13 says, “For everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved.”

I am now 38 years old. Happily married for 13 years with 3 children and hopes to complete an adoption for a 4th child this month. I am not who I was when I was in my early 20s. Those mistakes…God used to shape and refine me. He took a broken girl full of shame and HE created in me a new heart…a new life….gave me new vision. No matter what the outcome of this indiscretion or this moment in time…it’s important for you to know that you will not always be the girl you are right now. You have a great opportunity to learn that being broken can make you better. You can seek after what is eternal..what is real. You can seek that which will never fade or turn….and you can be granted wisdom and grace and these things are the things worth building your life on. 

In closing, I want you to know that this is not the end of the world. I am so very sorry that your mistakes are being shown so publicly and in such a humiliating way. I am praying for you to find some peace during this difficult time of your life. I am not a tabloid reader and while I am a fan, I am not the type of woman who would go crazy at a premier. I am not writing to intrude…or to judge…I am writing out of a sincere desire to reveal to you a greater love and greater hope than you can imagine. It is a greater story of love and pursuit than can ever be scripted for any film. Because this story is true…it’s real and it available to you …all you have to do is ask.

May you find all the hope and peace there is to be found in Jesus

Rebecca Smith

 

 

 

 

 

 

How Do I Love Him (part 3)

He’s working late, again. His November project is wrapping up this week. Next week new interns come and need to be prepped. Then it’s a long week of prep for another trip and then he is gone for 10 days. He is already tired. He apologizes 10 times in 3 minutes for not being home …because he wants to be home. I tell him it’s ok. That I understand…and I really do. I tell him that I release him to do what needs to be done and I mean it….because I know he wants to be here. Because I know that being upset will only make his burden heavier. Because I know he misses me and the kids. So I release him….but I will wait for him to come home before going to bed…no matter how late. Because he needs a kiss and small arms to wrap around him to remind him that doing God’s work isn’t always easy but it is always blessed.

Since moving here I have had more time away from my husband than ever in the States. Ironically, because he loves what he is doing…it doesn’t feel like a burden to our home. He comes home tired but energized from work and always with stories that are inspiring. God has given me strength and grace that I never knew I had for the nights he isn’t home or the weeks he is traveling. I am grateful for those new areas of growth in my life. In the very beginning of our time here I found myself a little overwhelmed by all that was required of me. I have to be more independant, I have to always be on my guard, I have to figure out how to speak to people who have no idea what I am saying or need. It’s no picnic…even if the pics look cool. So when Trevis would be working late or traveling..I had a small bit of bitterness in my heart.

As I took this bitterness before the Lord I discovered that 1. Bitterness only divides 2.Biterness usually leads to assumptions that aren’t true. 3.Bitterness is an endless pit of self loathing. The key to getting out of bitterness is to repent (first) and then to take a good long look at the situation. I can make my husbands life very hard…..or I can bless him. Which do I chose? Because, honestly, it is a choice. It’s a decision to say, I will not hold love, affection or blessing from my husband when he is merely trying to serve the Lord, our family and those around the world who are depending on him to provide services that will aid in their plight to serve the poor. So here is the question…Am I a blessing or a burden?

Now we women have needs and they need to be met….but giving our husbands the freedom to not meet all our needs and still be the love of our lives is a choice. It’s not touchy feely…it’s not “the movies”…it’s the reality of being married. It’s the reality of understanding that our ALL our needs are not going to be met in our husbands, best friend, family etc…all our needs are met in God and God usually uses a collective community of people to meet our needs on various levels. I have met so many women who are discontent in their marriages because their husbands don’t understand certain aspects of their personality….well….my question to them is, “How hard do you try to understand all aspects of your husbands personality?” See the hypocracy? Trevis not understanding me in a few areas of life is only a problem if I forget the areas that he does understand. Maybe I should release Trevis to be all that God created him to be. Maybe by releasing him I have the precious opportunity to see God fill the holes in my heart with everlasting grace.

This week God sent a dear friend from college to visit me alllllll the way over here in Egypt. He knows that me being alone for a month is extremely difficult for me. God knew I would need sweet fellowship and laughter. He sent me Beth to watch movies and laugh with me while my husband was wrapped up in finalizing a project. Who could have known my husband would be so swamped THIS PARTICULAR week when this trip was planned 5 months ago? God….and He met my need. He did not leave me stranded, exhausted and alone. He sent a special blessing…one that spoke to my heart, healed my soul and brought me closer to home than I have been in months. What an intimate gift from God? He will do the same for you, too when you need Him.

My husband has called now and is on his way home. It’s 11:30pm and he wants to stay up and chat for awhile so I am going to wrap this up and put the kettle on for tea. This week..I encourage you to be a blessing. Think about releasing your expectations of having all your needs meant by your husband and ask God to fill the gaps. See what happens…..Being a blessing is not about “rising above your feelings”. It’s about being honest with God about your feelings and the areas in your life that need to be filled with more of who HE is.

I know know know this is not easy. Please do not mistake in thinking that I have no trouble releasing my husband…I do…because I love him fiercly and I need him desperately but I continually pray…for the grace to bless Trevis and my home.

Ok,He is home. Time to go…he has brought home his project for me to see. I have no idea what construction plans should look like….but you can bet …I’ll think his plans are amazing.

How do I love this man?

I am looking in the mirror. He walks in and stands directly behind me. Back tall. chest broad. His shoulders extending from behind me. My shoulders are almost as wide as his chest. His chin easily clearing the crown of my head. His hands rest on and engulf my shoulders. He smirks, “Your so small.”
“You like me small.” I tease.
“Yes. I. do. I could crush you.” As he slips his hands around me and pulls me close. And he has no idea how true those words are.
“But you won’t.” I say.
“Nope.” He confirms.
We catch each others eyes in the mirror……because this is not the first time we have played this game…and,by Gods grace, it will not be the last. We smile for just a second. Just a second…,before kids call and life happens and we go about our daily lives. But it’s in those seconds that I fall in love with him….again and again. But life is now happening and I pray that I am the helpmate he needs…that at the end of the day I have blessed him with so much more of me than that which is tangible.

Being a husband is a heavy burden to carry. So much falls on the shoulders of a man. For he will give an account to the Almighty Creator for how he led his family. Did he love his wife likes Christ loved the church, washing her in the Word so that she is white and blameless? Encouraging her to go beyond herself and become what God created her to be? Did he raise his children on the bread of life for the glory of God? Did he walk in such a way that his life left an impression of love and Jesus on the lives of those around him? Did he seek first the kingdom of God when the world told him to “stay safe” and not step out in faith? So many burdens.

Yes, we women have our callings too. We are all familiar with them….but for me….I am so very glad that God has called me to be a helpmate and not the head. Of course, I am equally important. Equally accountable. But so often I can get so caught up in “me” and my responsibilities that I forget the burden he carries….providing, loving, caring, managing projects in foreign countries, coordinating volunteers, support raising, networking in a country that is not his own, struggling to find personal time to hear from God, balancing time so he really KNOWS his 3 children individually, having fun with friends…..caring for a wife that needs him desperately. His world never stops…and yet he is faithful in a world that throws beauty at him left and right, he holds me tightly each night and brings treats home for us. He laughs at my silliness and prays every night with our children.

I am pondering today ….What kind of wife am I? Do I ease my husbands burdens? Do I let him dream with out judgment? Do I thank him for asking me to marry him when he knew the great responsibility he was taking on? Do I help him take the risks God is calling him to take? Am I joyful? Do I make our home a resting place?

There are many things in this world that demand my attention. Children, work, the endless chores that must be done, ministry, mentoring….and so many times I am asking him continually for more. More affection, more time, more understanding that dinner isn’t done or I need to scoot out for the night to meet with a friend. More more more….how much do I ask of myself to do for him? Am I as good of a wife asI want him to be a husband?

I know that many of you may be a bit more “feminist” minded than me. That’s ok. I used to be as well. But the older I get and the longer I am married I am discovering a few things that I never expected. The next few post will be on these discoveries and I hope you will be encouraged and join me in discussing how we (I) can answer the high calling of being a wife…by understanding the high calling of being a husband.

Blessings dear ones…

Taking the blame

One of the things you have to be very careful of here is the men. They “cat call” and say things to you when you pass. They are harmless and after awhile you don’t hear it anymore. But one day delightful day I had gone to the gym early early in the morning and because I had arabic class right afterwards I took clothes for the day, including all the toiletries I would need to get ready. Well..as soon as I leave the gym I hear the ineveitable “PSSST PSSTT” (this is how men try and get your attention). But I kept walking thinking nothing of it. Then I hear it again, and again. I get in a cab and go to my class. Afterwards…I hear more “PSSSTTT PSSTT”. Naturally, I ignore this and keep walking…only to hear MORE “Psst Psst”. At this point I am annoyed. “Why can’t these men just grow up!? Why can’t they keep there minds out of the gutter?! Don’t thay have ANY respect for women?! UGH!?” So I walk home becoming more and more irritated with every step…all the while, STILL hearing “Pssst Psst.” By the time I get home I am DONE. Ready to move home where men “know better”. So I go to my bedroom, literally throw my gym bag on the bed and I hear “PSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTT”. Suddenly a huge puff of smoke comes from my bag and I realize that what had been frustrating me all day …was not MEN…at all… It was my powder body spray!! I just stood there staring at the bed. I had been and was SOOOOOO frustrated all day at Egyptian men that now…to discover that, in fact, I was the problem was completely incomprehensible to me. Besides, I reasoned to myself, they still cat call and every bad thought I have had about them today IS TRUE….right?! RIGHT?!?!?!

Ok-no…not right. I was the problem…I had made big big assumptions and was ready to judge an entire country of men, abandon my life here, get on a plane and return home..all over body spray. As I walked over to the bed and righted the bag the “Psssstttting” immediately stopped. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought well now there is no reason at all to be frustrated…but I still felt frustrated. I am ashamed to admit that I was even a little disappointed to discover that I was not being found attractive …I know right!?! Totally crazy!! But these are the games that go on in my head.

So how does this play out in my life? Well, today I realized that I am very often times the problem. When I am struggling, I have the power to make my home tense. When I am short and snappy with the kids…you can bet their attitudes come out. When I am tense and short with Trevis he will get that way with me. And so often I expect to be catered to. I am easily frustrated and tired…I think we all are because life is not a cake walk. But do we realize the power we have to affect our home? Do you let things that have nothing to do with family life dictate how you treat those closest to you? My friend Paige and I use to joke that when we die, our friends will get up and say great things about us…and our husbands will look at the program and the woman in the casket and ask,”Are you sure your at the right funeral?”

One of the areas in my life that I am bringing daily before God is, I want to be a woman clothed in strength, dignity and grace. I want to be a jewel in my husbands crown. I want to be safe for my children. Perfection is not my goal. Of course, I will mess up…of course, I will not be able to obtain this goal..but I very much desire to continually be changed into the likeness of Christ. And maybe…just maybe, my children and husband will see my heart ALONGSIDE my failures. Because I think most of us mothers lay down every night and think, “Tomorrow I will be better. Tomorrow I will be more patient, more kind, more understanding, more….whatever.” I do, at least….but here’s the thing. While we are called to aspire to be full of grace, and compassion..we can only be those things when we are walking with the Lord. We can only change …truly change when the Holy Spirit begans to reshape us. Because if we just “do it” on our own…inevitablly we will get tired and become exhausted with trying to be someone we are not. Only in Christ is there hope for a renewed heart and mind..only He can take what is selfish and sinful and turn it into something beautiful…And He is waiting to help.

p.s. Many of you have sent me wonderful FB private messages. I promise to sit down and write you all back in the next 2 weeks. I usually am doing FB on my phone and it’s hard to respond…but your words are amazing and I am humbled and encouraged. Thank you for your encouragment. May we all continue to press on for Christ…together.

Blondes Don’t Have More Fun….

Ever have those moments when your heartbreaks for your children? Last night was one of those nights.

Here in Egypt, children are greatly loved and adored by all people. Many times, as small children pass they are touched and complimented and often given gifts/treats. It’s really a beautiful thing. However, because this is not our first culture this is particularly hard for our children. Specifically, Ava.

Ava is a little bit different than my other children. With Claire and Jorden you can bet that what you see is what you get. Ava on the other hand appears to be very confident but is actually quite reserved and hesitant to try new things. Here Ava draws ALOT of attention because of her blonde hair. Everyone remembers her name. Every body on the street (very gently and in a non-harmful way) touches her head or her cheek. It’s not uncommon for people on our way to school to run out of their shop and call her name. Now, sometimes…this is ok with her. If she is feeling especially happy she will wave and bid them “Sebah ElHare” or Good morning. But most of the time this is very difficult for her.

Last night as I was washing dishes Ava comes in and sits on the chair next me. She begins by saying, “Mama, I don’t like it when I have to be nice to people on the street.” Now my first reaction was to laugh a bit and say, “WHY?!” Then she proceeds to tell me how uncomfortable it is for her to be patted and spoken too everyday…everywhere. Then at the very end she says, “I just wish my hair was brown or black or that I didn’t look like this.” Ok, for you mothers reading this you can imagine how my heart sunk at hearing my 6 year old tell me that she wishes she looked different.

So there we stood looking at each other. Me, silently praying for some words that would really mean something to her. I didn’t want to pacify her. I didn’t want to tell her, “Your beautiful. Don’t worry about it.” Instead, I actually wondered if we should do a dark non permanent wash on her hair…I wondered if it would make difference and I wondered where to find it. She: looking at me with large dark sad eyes…waiting for comforting words from me. So rather than suggesting we dye here hair I asked her, “Do you realize that God made you extra special? You are the only one out of the five of us that has blonde hair. And He knew you would grow up in Egypt. Do you think that God makes mistakes?” She answers a quiet, “no”. “And do you know that one day your hair will be brown like mommies, so it’s just a little bit of time for you have yellow hair”? “Really?” she answers. Then I said,”Yes, so it’s just for a little bit that you have to have blonde hair. But now, God wants you to trust him? Accept that you are especailly created in His image and when you feel uncomfortable remember that He is with you. And remember ..Daddy and I will make very sure that you are never harmed and while I expect you to be respectful, you don’t have to be friendly to strangers.” She just sadly nodded and went in her room and cried. So I just crawled in bed with her and we snuggled, we prayed, we talked about home, cousins, grandparents and friends. This morning she was better. A little extra time and it seemed that it was enough to get her through the day.

As I think now I realize that my reaction to lifes hardships are very similar to Ava’s. I want to change things or fix things before I really seek to trust in the Lord. I am so quick to think of alternatives rather than simply saying, “Lord, give me the grace handle the situation you have placed me in. Change me so that through this time I can draw closer to you.” And so often, after I have spent time in the word or in prayer, I really do find the strength to rest and trust in His plans for my life.

Today Ava is fine. Laughing with little kids on the street and waving to the man that does everyones ironing. It seems that for now the crisis has passed. But my heart is still “on guard” for her. I will now put her on the other side of me when we pass people. I will now look people in the eye and shake my head when they see her and smile because Ava and her security is more important than the approval of those around me. But most importantly, parenting (once again) has shed light on a weakness in my life. A weakness that when not identified will lead to a “pull myself up by the bootstraps” mentality.

I am grateful for the opportunity to pray for and with my daughter, even though I grieve the heart ache she is dealing with. I am grateful that God revealed to me the danger of “jumping to fix” things when what I really need to do is trust. But mostly, I am glad that she actually talked to me …and I think that is what God must feel when we finally get to a point that our burdens are to heavy to carry. He has joy in our commuication with Him. When we draw near..and we give Him the opportunity to be our comforter and our shelter..it there in those sweet moments that we are weak enough and vulnerable enough to really experience the true sweet healing spirit of our Loving Savior.

Marriage=8 more and hold

I am a fitness instructor. At the studio here in E, I really push my classes. My favorite phrase (and I suspect every instructors) is “8 MORE AND HOLD!” What this means is we do 8 more reps of whatever we are doing and then hold the contracted muscle in a static hold for 16 more counts. It’s great!! When you finish your last 8 reps, the muscle is fatigued and then when you hold the muscle in a contracted state and for the next 16 seconds it’s reeeaaaaallllyyy pushed. It hurts,it may even shake and and the last 8 counts of that 16 are the longest of your life and when you are done and it’s time to release it’s incredibly rewarding. I always feel like I have pushed my body beyond what it is capable of and I love seeing my girls pushing themselves, determined to finish well.

Trevis and I have been married for almost 12 years. By God’s grace, our marriage is happy and loving…but it has definately had it’s share of trials and God has done (and continues to do ) a mighty work in our lives to make it that way. (You can read more about that here. There have been season of romance, seasons of sweet friendship, and seasons of “I may just kill you before morning.”

When we were making our leap across the world there was a real sense of “togetherness”. We were amped! We were patient! We were in awe that we were actually moving. The first weeks on the ground here were crazy. Both of us were in culture shock. Neither of us knew anything: not where to get bread or milk…the very basic essentials seemed totally unattainable. And sure, we had a few arguments but for the most part~it was a very sweet time of unity and excitement.

Over the last few months we have experienced a great many things. We have both been pushed to our limits mentally and emotionally. At the end of the day, neither of us have much to give because we have exhausted ourselves just trying to get through the day in the Arab world. I confess that I have been petty and trite. He would confess that he has “micro managed” more than normal. We both feel that we are walking on eggshells lately.

Yesterday, I was processing this season in our lives. The truth is, we have been here before. It’s not new. In fact, I bet most of yall have been here before. We are growing. Being stretched. We are being pushed-God is asking us for “8 more and hold”. I have to be honest and say that often I look in the mirror and wonder how I wound up here in E. I wonder if Trevis married the right kind of woman. I wonder if  maybe I should be more spiritual, more secure, stronger, more capable. I wonder what the next years hold. I know as we grow and adapt, things will feel more normal but there is always the thought, “Do not settle. Do not be passive in your marriage. Choose to be in love. Choose to not be petty. Choose to forgive easily.”  It’s work…it’s a choice…it’s a daily exercise to pick up the weight of the world with my husband and walk on into whatever God calls us. And not just “walk on” but “walk on” well.

LAST 8 : 1.Walk on exhausted. 2.Walk on insecure. 3.Walk on committed. 4.Walk on because it’s a season. 5.Walk on because you know that you are being perfected. 6.Walk on because you know God is and has been faithful. 7.Walk on because you know joy is coming. 8.Walk on because in the end the reward is greater than the suffering.

And HOLD: Walk on determined that you will trust God even when it feels like you can’t.

*** Now before, I go…please rest assured that my marriage is NOT in danger. Eggshells are part of life and marriage, at times. We still laugh a lot and truly enjoy each other. I still get treats, flowers and many (much to my childrens disgust) sweet kisses… I just wanted to give you a small glimpse into our life here and let you know what God is doing this week. Ma Salama…

Just a little something…

Thanks for your patience. Not much has changed we are still waiting. I should say that the kids are LOVING school and both recently got awards for the spirit of cooperation and leadership in their classes. We were very proud!! Of course, I forgot my camera so you will just have to take my word for it! I wanted to share this little bit from the Ellen Show. I very rarely watch TV but a friend sent this to me and I could not resist posting it. It’s a bit long (almost 7 mins) but I promise it is worth it!! I could not stop laughing. Really really funny-enjoy

Smith-capades

Happy New Year Yall!!

Our Christmas was really good and despite terrible weather my in-laws made it for Christmas. But because of terrible weather we were all cooped up for about a week. During these blurry days I read the entire Twilight series (sooo amazingly good) and I watched my father-in-law become the fiercest WII golf player on the the planet!! Finally when the roads began to clear up, Trevis and I got out for a much needed dated with some dear friends. Of course, we did a few super fun family events, as well. We hit the Blazer v. Raptors game, where the Blazers had an exciting win and then we went ice skating. I don’t have pictures of the game…but I have some of our ice skating because my sweet mother-in-law took some when she would stop by on a short break from her retail therapy!!

My son is fearless-he had never skated before and refused to hang by the side. I was completely awed at how well he did…all things considered!

The girls stuck together when they were not being assisted by me, daddy or their Pop-Pop. Sooo sweet…

Trevis and I had a little fun ourselves. Once, while on an ice skating date with a girl in HS, Trevis nearly broke his dates leg. So this was a big step for him… I was so impressed at bravery and his ability to laugh while being so focused!! Seriously, we haven’t laughed that hard in a LONG time!!

This is a little pic. of our neighbors house from our porch on Christmas day! ….talk about a white Christmas…I think we all got more than what we bargained for…even better…I think school will be cancelled again tomorrow-because it is snowing yet again..AGGHHHH!!!

The Freedom of Christmas

I have a confession. Because of Facebook I am running into alot of people that I used to know in high school and college. This is great and I love it…but I have to say that it poses somewhat of a problem for me. You see, I am not the same person I was back then. Yes, I know we all change.. but I mean, I am REALLY not the same person. In fact, I usually feel the overwhelming need to apologize to anyone that knew me before 2003. Though, I came to know the Lord in 1989-it took years for God to really impact my way of thinking. I look back at who I was, especially during college, and I just cringe at what a wretched little selfish girl I was. Please do not get me wrong…I am still selfish (and wretched) but …..not like that. Recently, I had the opportunity to apologize to an old college boyfriend who was really a great guy…but I had no idea what to do with him because I had no idea how to look farther than my own reflection and selfishness. As a result, I was not honest with him and showed very little (if any) concern for his heart when the relationship ended. My actions toward him have caused me great shame for many years. God was good and merciful to give me the opportunity to repent, it was healing to lay down such a heavy burden. Though, I must say there are many people who I have hurt in the past and deserve an apology.

I am saying this tonight because I realized that I do not live what I believe. I believe that God can make all things new. He can transform a broken tainted life and make it beautiful. I believe He can raise what was dead and make it new. I know this because of what he did in my marriage. (See that here) I know this…because though I still wrestle with many selfish things…I am changed and continually being changed.

But here is the problem, I still feel the shame of who I was and of my actions for all those years in the past. So the question I feel my spirit asking is, “Do you believe that Jesus is what He said He is? Do you believe that Jesus can do what He says He can do?” Paul wrote in 2 Cor. 5:17 , “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” I have read these words for years but, only recently, am I trying to wrap my brain around the absolute power and freedom found in them. I DO believe them…but I don’t live and walk in this truth everyday. I live with a thin film of shame on my life. It has wrapped very comfortably around me like an old blanket that serves no purpose. This is NOT what being a “new creation” means. In order for me to walk in this truth, I must pray and ask God to give me the wisdom, understanding and strength to continually remind myself that I am forgiven. I have to continually remind myself that I am not that same girl. I have to continually remind myself that Jesus has made me new and the old has passed away!! I have to continually remind myself that I am FREE! FREE to enjoy the grace that God has given me, FREE to share about what God is doing and has done in my life. I am FREE to be me…the me found in Christ, the me that lives for His Glory and not my own!!

This is important right now, to me, because Christmas is only a day away. You see, I am celebrating the coming of Jesus differently this year than in years past. Sure, I have always known that Jesus came to forgive us. I have, at times, so casually said this that I wonder if I really meant it at all. I have sung countless Christmas hymns with such a flighty heart that I am certain I was not worshiping my Lord. But this year I realize this birth was the beginning of a life that was only to be lived in order to bring about forgiveness of our sins and to empower us to walk in victory over them. My sins -though vast in number and more wicked than I dare say~ are no more. How great is our God? How must He love us to give such great grace when we are so vile? This child that we sing about and celebrate came to die for our freedom. Freedom from sin, so that we may look at the Father with an unveiled face and stand forgiven~free of shame!! O there is no gift as sweet as the gift of Jesus and the life I have found in Him!

Hark the Herald angels sings, “GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING.
Peace on Earth and mercy mild; GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED”

Let it snow

Here in the NW it snowed, rained and then snowed some more. I love it!! Aside from the fact that my in- laws are delayed from coming for a few days…I could not be happier. Trevis has had plenty of exercise running up and down hills for sled runs with the kids and I get to make yummy treats for them when they come home. This is the life for me. I lived in Colorado for a few years and I have to say that I loved it there….it is the perfect combination of snow and sun. However, the NW is a close second-so anytime a snowman can be built in my yard-I have to get out there and have some fun!!

On top of all this amazing snow is about half an inch of ice. So the kids are really loving smashing huge ice pieces. I wish I had taken pictures this morning (but my camera batteries were charging) of Trevis and Jorden pretending to be Karate guys who break boards with their hands. It was hilarious -even more funny was how manly Jorden felt all day as a result.

This afternoon I tried to take some pictures of our yard but it was getting dark. But this one of the “wiggly tree” explains why when Ava went outside she said, “It looks like twinkles are falling”. So cute!! It really did seem like glitter was falling from the sky. We just stood there for a minute in silence (which is rare) and watched. Of course seconds later my son came running and screaming out of the house and jumped off the deck to break the ice with his “super sonic jump.” So much for peaceful reflective moments…

I did manage to get a picture of backyard before the kids attacked it-so peaceful.

The last picture is of Jorden and Ava. My son beat through the ice to make a path for his little sister. When I saw this picture-I could not help but think of my marriage. Jorden has learned well from his father that God has called him to love, care and protect his family. Thank you Trevis for fighting the battles of life to make our journey as a family easier. You are my hero!

Because we are planning on moving to Egypt next year, we know this could very well be the last big snow we experience here in Vancouver-so we are really trying to enjoy this time to its fullest. (Rumor has it that it doesn’t snow much there.) So all I have to say is…let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!