I was grating cheese under a sign that my sister-in-law, Amy, gave me. The sign reads “Choose Joy”. Arrogantly,I spoke the bitter words out loud to no one physical but One who is all spirit and said, “Would this cheese ‘Choose Joy’?” Because I feel like the cheese. I feel shredded and spread out too thin.
Let me just be super honest here. I battle 2 major sins right now. 1. Self-pity 2.Bitterness….but I guess they kinda go hand in hand. You’d think after having my greatest prayer answered that my heart would just be in the most gracious and humbled place. It’s not. I don’t know why and I hate that it’s here. I am proof that the changing of circumstances doesn’t change the condition of a heart. I am sooo much like the Isrealite…taken from one bondage and then because of my sin I fall into another. Yesterday in church the congregation sang, “You are worthy of it all” and I fought back sobs because I don’t feel like that is true. I KNOW it’s true and I want so very much to sing those words with gusto and authenticity but I can’t ….instead I sing with conviction, I sing with desire to mean it and I just sing because…I know God is there and I know He hears the worship of a woman who is seeking Him.
This week as I was meditating on seeking, I realized that I had no idea or blueprint for what that looks like. So I went through the Bible searching for the verses that talked about “seeking with your whole heart” I got stuck on Psalm 119….this chapter gave me hope. The heart of author of 119 is what I want to be true for myself. I love that the author doesn’t pretend to have it all together.. read this
Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees,
that I may follow it to the end.[b]
34 Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
35 Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
36 Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
37 Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.[c]
38 Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
39 Take away the disgrace I dread,
for your laws are good.
40 How I long for your precepts!
In your righteousness preserve my life.
The author is saying ….”Help ME”. As you read this entire Psalm you realize that the author is burning with a desire to really understand God and His word. He is seeking just like me…just like you. And what are we promised if we seek God? Prosperity? Health?…What?
Looking again at the verse that started this whole “seeking” journey, Matthew 6:33 it’s important to see that this verse is slap dab in the middle of Jesus’s famous Sermon on the Mount. The verses above “Seek first the Kingdom of God..” are all about being anxious for our needs to be met. Jesus tells of God’s great concern and provision for those things that He created and sustains. So Jesus is saying, all these things (the things that you need to be sustained) will be added to you if you seek first the Kingdom of God. We are promised that we will be sustained. We are promised that all we need to be sustained will be given to us….and I say this with a bit of fear because the kicker is, what we need to be sustained and what we think we need to be sustained could be vastly different. I am promised I will be sustained. Even when I feel like cheese being shredding and spread thin. I will be sustained by His care and His strength…by His righteousness..I am sustained by His grace and my faith even when I struggle to reconcile my emotions and truth.
Today, I write this by the mercies granted to me new each morning. As I read Psalm 119 again today I read the words as a prayer…..and when I came to verses that weren’t true about me…I would speak out loud, “Make this true for me”….and I remembered the cheese…and I think about being spread thin. I think how cheese (kind a of like salt) really makes all things better but a big huge hunk of cheese is really of no use to anyone. It simply must be melted, sliced, diced of grated or it festers and becomes a big block of mold. It has to be transformed. Cheese makes most things better…pizza, tacos…it makes a soupy casserole perfect. It adds just the right splash of color to a veggie plate..So I guess the answer to the question “would this cheese ‘choose joy’? ” is ‘yes’. Because isn’t being changed and transformed in order to be useful better than just being thrown out because of being moldy. I don’t want to be a hunk of cheese.
This week I encourage you to read Psalm 119 at least 5 times. It’s long…but so worth it. AS you read ask yourself , “Can I identify with the author here or there? If not, why? What are things in my life that hold my eyes more than God? ” I will be reading it too..
Prayer: Holy God of all the earth. You are worthy of everything. Please forgive, once again, for my prideful heart that wants to show you all my good works (that really amount to nothing) and demand that you bless me as I want. You know what is best. You are my Good Shepard. Please lead me to the waters that are best for me. Help me to see your face in your Word. Help me to hear and know your voice in my daily life. Strengthen my convictions on the things that I am numb too. Help me seek you ….Help me find you. Help me to love you with all my heart. Be glorified oh precious one in my life, such as it is. Help me to finsh well though I am frail and weak. By your Spirit sustain me.”
Blessings and grace
Rebecca Smith
*This was orginially ment to be an email sent to those who wanted to follow my journey of learning what it means to truly seek the Lord. This is the 2nd email sent out. If you are interested in reading the intro, I will be happy to send it to you via email.
A Joyful Noise 