Taking the blame

One of the things you have to be very careful of here is the men. They “cat call” and say things to you when you pass. They are harmless and after awhile you don’t hear it anymore. But one day delightful day I had gone to the gym early early in the morning and because I had arabic class right afterwards I took clothes for the day, including all the toiletries I would need to get ready. Well..as soon as I leave the gym I hear the ineveitable “PSSST PSSTT” (this is how men try and get your attention). But I kept walking thinking nothing of it. Then I hear it again, and again. I get in a cab and go to my class. Afterwards…I hear more “PSSSTTT PSSTT”. Naturally, I ignore this and keep walking…only to hear MORE “Psst Psst”. At this point I am annoyed. “Why can’t these men just grow up!? Why can’t they keep there minds out of the gutter?! Don’t thay have ANY respect for women?! UGH!?” So I walk home becoming more and more irritated with every step…all the while, STILL hearing “Pssst Psst.” By the time I get home I am DONE. Ready to move home where men “know better”. So I go to my bedroom, literally throw my gym bag on the bed and I hear “PSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTT”. Suddenly a huge puff of smoke comes from my bag and I realize that what had been frustrating me all day …was not MEN…at all… It was my powder body spray!! I just stood there staring at the bed. I had been and was SOOOOOO frustrated all day at Egyptian men that now…to discover that, in fact, I was the problem was completely incomprehensible to me. Besides, I reasoned to myself, they still cat call and every bad thought I have had about them today IS TRUE….right?! RIGHT?!?!?!

Ok-no…not right. I was the problem…I had made big big assumptions and was ready to judge an entire country of men, abandon my life here, get on a plane and return home..all over body spray. As I walked over to the bed and righted the bag the “Psssstttting” immediately stopped. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought well now there is no reason at all to be frustrated…but I still felt frustrated. I am ashamed to admit that I was even a little disappointed to discover that I was not being found attractive …I know right!?! Totally crazy!! But these are the games that go on in my head.

So how does this play out in my life? Well, today I realized that I am very often times the problem. When I am struggling, I have the power to make my home tense. When I am short and snappy with the kids…you can bet their attitudes come out. When I am tense and short with Trevis he will get that way with me. And so often I expect to be catered to. I am easily frustrated and tired…I think we all are because life is not a cake walk. But do we realize the power we have to affect our home? Do you let things that have nothing to do with family life dictate how you treat those closest to you? My friend Paige and I use to joke that when we die, our friends will get up and say great things about us…and our husbands will look at the program and the woman in the casket and ask,”Are you sure your at the right funeral?”

One of the areas in my life that I am bringing daily before God is, I want to be a woman clothed in strength, dignity and grace. I want to be a jewel in my husbands crown. I want to be safe for my children. Perfection is not my goal. Of course, I will mess up…of course, I will not be able to obtain this goal..but I very much desire to continually be changed into the likeness of Christ. And maybe…just maybe, my children and husband will see my heart ALONGSIDE my failures. Because I think most of us mothers lay down every night and think, “Tomorrow I will be better. Tomorrow I will be more patient, more kind, more understanding, more….whatever.” I do, at least….but here’s the thing. While we are called to aspire to be full of grace, and compassion..we can only be those things when we are walking with the Lord. We can only change …truly change when the Holy Spirit begans to reshape us. Because if we just “do it” on our own…inevitablly we will get tired and become exhausted with trying to be someone we are not. Only in Christ is there hope for a renewed heart and mind..only He can take what is selfish and sinful and turn it into something beautiful…And He is waiting to help.

p.s. Many of you have sent me wonderful FB private messages. I promise to sit down and write you all back in the next 2 weeks. I usually am doing FB on my phone and it’s hard to respond…but your words are amazing and I am humbled and encouraged. Thank you for your encouragment. May we all continue to press on for Christ…together.