How Do I Love Him (part 3)
10 Jan 2012 2 Comments
in christianity, encouragement, faith, family, Jesus, Just thinking, Kids, Life, marriage, motherhood
He’s working late, again. His November project is wrapping up this week. Next week new interns come and need to be prepped. Then it’s a long week of prep for another trip and then he is gone for 10 days. He is already tired. He apologizes 10 times in 3 minutes for not being home …because he wants to be home. I tell him it’s ok. That I understand…and I really do. I tell him that I release him to do what needs to be done and I mean it….because I know he wants to be here. Because I know that being upset will only make his burden heavier. Because I know he misses me and the kids. So I release him….but I will wait for him to come home before going to bed…no matter how late. Because he needs a kiss and small arms to wrap around him to remind him that doing God’s work isn’t always easy but it is always blessed.
Since moving here I have had more time away from my husband than ever in the States. Ironically, because he loves what he is doing…it doesn’t feel like a burden to our home. He comes home tired but energized from work and always with stories that are inspiring. God has given me strength and grace that I never knew I had for the nights he isn’t home or the weeks he is traveling. I am grateful for those new areas of growth in my life. In the very beginning of our time here I found myself a little overwhelmed by all that was required of me. I have to be more independant, I have to always be on my guard, I have to figure out how to speak to people who have no idea what I am saying or need. It’s no picnic…even if the pics look cool. So when Trevis would be working late or traveling..I had a small bit of bitterness in my heart.
As I took this bitterness before the Lord I discovered that 1. Bitterness only divides 2.Biterness usually leads to assumptions that aren’t true. 3.Bitterness is an endless pit of self loathing. The key to getting out of bitterness is to repent (first) and then to take a good long look at the situation. I can make my husbands life very hard…..or I can bless him. Which do I chose? Because, honestly, it is a choice. It’s a decision to say, I will not hold love, affection or blessing from my husband when he is merely trying to serve the Lord, our family and those around the world who are depending on him to provide services that will aid in their plight to serve the poor. So here is the question…Am I a blessing or a burden?
Now we women have needs and they need to be met….but giving our husbands the freedom to not meet all our needs and still be the love of our lives is a choice. It’s not touchy feely…it’s not “the movies”…it’s the reality of being married. It’s the reality of understanding that our ALL our needs are not going to be met in our husbands, best friend, family etc…all our needs are met in God and God usually uses a collective community of people to meet our needs on various levels. I have met so many women who are discontent in their marriages because their husbands don’t understand certain aspects of their personality….well….my question to them is, “How hard do you try to understand all aspects of your husbands personality?” See the hypocracy? Trevis not understanding me in a few areas of life is only a problem if I forget the areas that he does understand. Maybe I should release Trevis to be all that God created him to be. Maybe by releasing him I have the precious opportunity to see God fill the holes in my heart with everlasting grace.
This week God sent a dear friend from college to visit me alllllll the way over here in Egypt. He knows that me being alone for a month is extremely difficult for me. God knew I would need sweet fellowship and laughter. He sent me Beth to watch movies and laugh with me while my husband was wrapped up in finalizing a project. Who could have known my husband would be so swamped THIS PARTICULAR week when this trip was planned 5 months ago? God….and He met my need. He did not leave me stranded, exhausted and alone. He sent a special blessing…one that spoke to my heart, healed my soul and brought me closer to home than I have been in months. What an intimate gift from God? He will do the same for you, too when you need Him.
My husband has called now and is on his way home. It’s 11:30pm and he wants to stay up and chat for awhile so I am going to wrap this up and put the kettle on for tea. This week..I encourage you to be a blessing. Think about releasing your expectations of having all your needs meant by your husband and ask God to fill the gaps. See what happens…..Being a blessing is not about “rising above your feelings”. It’s about being honest with God about your feelings and the areas in your life that need to be filled with more of who HE is.
I know know know this is not easy. Please do not mistake in thinking that I have no trouble releasing my husband…I do…because I love him fiercly and I need him desperately but I continually pray…for the grace to bless Trevis and my home.
Ok,He is home. Time to go…he has brought home his project for me to see. I have no idea what construction plans should look like….but you can bet …I’ll think his plans are amazing.
How do I love him? (part 2)
26 Dec 2011 1 Comment
in christianity, encouragement, faith, family, Kids, Life, marriage, motherhood
“I hope you didn’t get me anything for Christmas. Because I really didn’t get you anything.” I say. “No I really didnt’ get you anything either.” He says, and I am releived that he won’t be disappointed. You see this year we have decided to do something different. No one is getting gifts. Stockings for the kids only. We have a different vision this year and it’s been amazing. By far it’s been our most Christ centered Christmas and the children have never been more joyful.
My husband for years has had the idea of giving and not receiving at Christmas but I just couldn’t let go of my ideals of many presents under the tree. I guess, in truth, I suspected the children would somehow be scarred for life or feel neglected should they not have the glorious experience of ripping open packages on Christmas morning. But this year…we had a different idea. Moved by what we have seen on the streets we encouraged our children to think about what they could give Jesus for HIS birthday..and this sparked new joy and ideas in our home.
So the children came up with a plan to raise money and through one of Trev’s connection we found a situation that we could personal be a part of. After the fundraising was done and money collected we had a generous donor from the states offer to do a matching fund and the elation of my children went through the roof. All around there was joy and the focus of this Christmas was such a blessing that I dare say that it’s the best Christmas ever!
SO what does this have to do with loving my husband? Well….let see….he, for years, has wanted to do this and I didn’t listen. How many Christmas’s did I waste spending money on toys that were cast aside on hours later? How would the last few years have spiritually matured and grown my children’s hearts to love and serve the poor, had I just listened? How much joy did our family miss because I could not let go of my ideals of what “Christmas should be”? How much worship did I prohibit on Christmas morning because I was concerned with paper and strings? The questions go on and on…
See the problem? My husband is a strong “type A” personality. He is not shy or weak but he isn’t going to fight battles he can’t win with me. So, for the last few years he has yeilded his vision of how Christmas should look to mine. Were they bad Christmas’s? no. Were they filled with happiness? yes. But were they filled with worship, joy and excitement to celebrate the life of Christ? ….maybe a little. But not like this year. Because I did not let my husband’s vision lead our family, I kept my family from experiencing something amazing.
It was 4 years into marriage before Trevis and I began to look at our roles as husband and wife from a biblical perspective. It was a difficult journey and one we are continually on. But in the early stages of that discovery, I was convicted to tell Trevis that I would never say, “no” to him out of fear. I wanted him to have the freedom to lead us as God was leading him. By God’s grace, I have been able to keep that committment. However, letting go of my idea of the “American dream” with porch swings and hardwood floors has been another matter entirely. Many many tears have been shed as I held my hands open to God saying, “My life is yours,use it.”
Trevis takes his role as “head of the house” very seriously and prayerfully but many times….the things he feels led to do seem very hard to me. Often I struggle with fears or thoughts of self doubt. Sometimes selfishly I just don’t want too.I reget to say that usually my first reaction to him when he dreams or is processing what God wants him to do, is to say “no, I cant’ do that.” He has been prayerfully patient (most of the time) as I wrestle to bring my ideas or vision under the changing grace of God. This has never never been easy….but it has always and I mean ALWAYS been rewarding. Each time, God has given me the strength and grace to proceed. To take just the next step to see what HE is doing…to see the vision He has given my husband. Even when I don’t fully see the vision, God has given me “a peace that passes all understanding” to follow and encourage.
Lately, I see many ways that my husband seeks to lead us. I’m trying pay attention to my intial reaction to his thoughts and dreams about the future. I’m trying to prayerfully consider my words before I speak because I realize that while he is strong and lives convicted to live according to God’s call. He is easily discouraged or hurt when I don’t even have the courtesy to listen with interest or when I simply “throw water on his fire”. He needs to have the freedom to dream and explore options and ideas. I WANT to be the person he does that with. Yes, he has a best friend. Yes, he has men in his life he trusts but I WANT to know what scares him, what gives him energy. what causes him to weep and smile. The only way to do that is to give him the freedom to lead.
Allowing our husbands to lead…even when it’s hard is a blessing in many many ways. 1. We experince the blessing of alignment…no that’s not a biblical term…it’s just one I use to explain that God created man to be the head of the home and the wife to be the helpmate. In that “alignment” is protection and blessing. 2. We get to experience having the confidence of our husband thus making marriage more secure and intimate. 3. Because submission and “helpmating” isn’t easy, we get the opportunity to go before God asking to be changed and matured in both faith and grace. Honestly, the list is endless..
Today, as you seek to love and serve your family for the glory of God, I encourage you to give your husband the freedom to lead. Of course, this doesn’t mean you say yes to everything..but ask yourself when he has ideas or dreams for your family that you aren’t excited about, “What are my reasons for objection? Are they fear or insecrutiy based? Are my objections coming from ideals and values that aren’t biblical?” Then take your thoughts before God. I urge you to first prayerfully consider what He may be doing in the life of your husband.
Because when we see what God is doing…suddenly…suddenly we become excited, empowered and inspired ourselves.
Merry Christmas sweet friends!!
Elf is right!
24 Dec 2011 3 Comments
She is 8 and often appears to live in her own little world..and she sings and twirls everywhere she goes. SOooo often this is a mixed blessing of both joy and frustration. But today…today it is an inspiration.
You see, we are in a mall filled to the brimm with people. There are a few Christmas trees in stores that are headquartered in the western world but for the most part…there is no indication that the Christmas season is upon us. We are walking and shopping..she is singing…but today she is singing the song that has caputred my heart and continually brings tears to my eyes. But I don’t care because we are in the mall and it’s not “appropriate for her to sing so loud” even if her small voice isn’t heard because of all the people. Still I say for the 10th time in 10 minutes, “Shhhh, not so loud.” Then again, “Shhh pleeeeaasseee”…..and then I sigh…you know the big mom sigh that makes me sound bitter and “over it”? Yes…that one. And I take her hand and briskly walk to catch up with the rest of the family.
But as I am walking something glorious happens..it’s as if Jesus has put his hand on my shoulders and pulled me close to Him. I hear the spirit whisper, “Listen to her. She is proclaiming in all her innocents..with all joy, the truth that will save the world. Look at where you are… listen to her words. SEE what she is doing”. And I stop mid stride….I turn to her with wide eyes. I almost want to ask her if she heard a voice…but instead I just …I just look…I look…
I see a people who live in a country where they seek to honor God with all their hearts and seem to fail every day. I see a people filled with sorrow because of strife in the streets and uncertainty in their daily lives….and she…she…is telling them truth…”Hark the hearld Angles sing. Glory to the newborn KING…Peace on earth and mercy mild…GOD AND SINNER RECONCILED!!” And I look at her….with new eyes…and renewed Spirit, I began to sing too. She looks at me with clever bright huge brown eyes and without hesitation she starts the chorus and we are singing…she is spinning and we are happy. People are looking at us and smiling. I am certain they are thinking, “Look at the crazy foreigners.” But we don’t care. We smile. We wave. WE laugh. We are now in our own little universe and where joy and peace abound and everyone can see.
As we sing, I find myself wanting to sing louder and louder…maybe stand in a chair or table because this song…these words….they have life…they hold the answer to every problem, to every hurt, to every need….and it should be sung loudly!! Perhaps, Elf is right, “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing out loud for all to hear!” because I am no longer frustrated and hurried. I am no longer concerned with having her “act right”. All that matters is that truth is flowing from our lips and we have the joy of Christ in our hearts.
Then the tears are flowing again…because all around us are people who don’t know…who don’t hear. Heck, just moments before I was one of them but for the grace of Christ pulling me close to Him I would have missed this sweet life changing moment. I would have missed truth being sung with no fear in a mall located in the Middle East. I would have missed the joy of my daughter reveling in her knowledge of Christ’s birth. I would have missed this moment which, to me, now, exemplifies the Christmas Spirit.
I don’t want this to turn into a “don’t forget the real meaning of Christmas” blog post. There are plenty of those to inspire and encourage us…but rather I want you to WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!! LISTEN TO THE WORDS OF THE SONGS WE HAVE SUNG ALL OUR LIVES!! PONDER….WONDER…..THE TRUTH…THE LIFE….that we sing about all the time with no weight to the words. Even the most hard core atheist knows the words to Joy to the World. Simply singing these seemingly ancient words…isn’t celebrating Christmas.No matter how you dress it up with bows and ribbions. If you aren’t brought to tears by the words of many of these proclaimations of truth (so commonly referred to carols) then I challenge you to quit singing…listen…think….
WORSHIPPING…UNDERSTANDING….being AWED….this …this is celebrating Christmas.
How do I love him? part 1
06 Dec 2011 2 Comments
in christianity, encouragement, faith, family, Jesus, Kids, Life, marriage, Uncategorized
We are in the kitchen and I am complaining…about nothing and everything. He is leaning against the counter..legs crossed, arms folded, clenching his teeth while trying to make his face neutral. When my rant is over, he asks, with a very controlled voice, “What do you want me to do, Bec?” And…and ….and I don’t know. Because I didn’t have a purpose in mind when I started complaining I was just venting…but my venting, made those strong shoulders slump in defeat after a full 10 hour day of work and made his kind blue eyes fill with irritation..all because I didn’t take a minute to quietly pray and think. Unfortuately, this is not an isolated incident but as I was thinking about this particular moment today God spoke truth into my selfish heart.
Because usually at this point in the “non-argument but me venting moment” is where I (and many women) go all wrong. I usually get even more mad, “I don’t want you to do anything. I want you to care and just listen to me.” And I am not saying that we are completely wrong but at this moment heaven opened and The Spirit sweetly whispered…”men aren’t women”. So, I set out to discover what that had to do with anything. And as I searched the scriptures I discovered that men, in fact, are called to be doers. In Genesis 3:19 God says to Adam, “By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread…” After, the fall things no longer came easily. Work became how men would provide for the livelihoods of their families. Before, the fall, there was just communing with God and work was a joyful fellowship while tending to the things of the earth. But now, in a broken and fallen world…all man can do is work by the sweat of his face. So when I ask my husband to “just listen” I am asking him to go against what is required of him (by God) in order to provide. The reason he wants to “fix it” is because he loves and cares and wants our home to be good…and yet, in my selfishness, even his wanting to love and provide for me can be used to hurt him. And THIS is where I need to be careful.
Words. Words flow from the mouth like water….and, for me, often I don’t put them in check. To friends and co-workers I may filter but often to my husband and children, I simply say whatever comes into my head. (There is lots to be said about parenting ..but we are sticking with marriage here) You see, my husband is wise and planned and so capable of being the head of this home that I often forget how deeply a careless word can hurt him. I have repented of this before God and Trevis, because, by Gods grace, I want to be a helpmate not a HURTmate. I am trying to be more intentional in speaking words that build him up, make him see himself as God sees him. Even when those words of affection aren’t returned …because it’s not about getting something FROM him. It’s about GIVING something TO him. And not giving so that my husband is pleased with me or more in love with me but giving because …God is pleased and I will have to account for my words…both encouraging and discouraging. I have to tell you that my world has been rocked by Matthew 12:36 “But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken.” I don’t know about yall but this is a convicting. Oh how I have prayed the words of David,”Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” Ps. 19:14 I speak so many carelss words….
I am not trying to give the impression that I am a perfect wife. God knows, I am not…and many of you do too. LOL!! But I am trying now to be a wife who SEES what my husband does for us. Who SEES how he wants to care for us…even if he gets it wrong sometimes. Because ultimately, I want, at the end of my life, to look back and not grieve the marriage that my kids saw when they lived at home. I want my daughters and son to look back on the short time we had under one roof and see that faults and failures were and should be covered by forgiveness,grace and joy.
So today I ask myself, does my husband find confidence in me? Does he seek me out as a refuge because I am a place of safety and comfort? Does he know, that I desire to be that for him? Because remember, my venting in the kitchen? The key phrase was, “I didn’t have a purpose, I was just…..” I need purpose. We as wives need and have purpose. And it’s bigger than cooking meals, folding laundry, ironing, keeping a clean house..It’s bigger than even serving at church or your community. Because if all those things are done and everyone is impressed with your service but your husband is hurt, defeated, never knowing what he is going to come home too then you have missed the most important calling as a wife.
I encourage you to seek out your husband today.Thank him for the little things he does that you take for granted. If you have been critical, say your sorry. And don’t do this expecting Prince Charming to appear. Do it because it pleases God and brings Him glory when the heart of His children seek to be about HIS business.“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father, through him.” Colossian 3:17
How do I love this man?
29 Nov 2011 3 Comments
in christianity, encouragement, faith, family, Jesus, Just thinking, Kids, Life, motherhood, Uncategorized
I am looking in the mirror. He walks in and stands directly behind me. Back tall. chest broad. His shoulders extending from behind me. My shoulders are almost as wide as his chest. His chin easily clearing the crown of my head. His hands rest on and engulf my shoulders. He smirks, “Your so small.”
“You like me small.” I tease.
“Yes. I. do. I could crush you.” As he slips his hands around me and pulls me close. And he has no idea how true those words are.
“But you won’t.” I say.
“Nope.” He confirms.
We catch each others eyes in the mirror……because this is not the first time we have played this game…and,by Gods grace, it will not be the last. We smile for just a second. Just a second…,before kids call and life happens and we go about our daily lives. But it’s in those seconds that I fall in love with him….again and again. But life is now happening and I pray that I am the helpmate he needs…that at the end of the day I have blessed him with so much more of me than that which is tangible.
Being a husband is a heavy burden to carry. So much falls on the shoulders of a man. For he will give an account to the Almighty Creator for how he led his family. Did he love his wife likes Christ loved the church, washing her in the Word so that she is white and blameless? Encouraging her to go beyond herself and become what God created her to be? Did he raise his children on the bread of life for the glory of God? Did he walk in such a way that his life left an impression of love and Jesus on the lives of those around him? Did he seek first the kingdom of God when the world told him to “stay safe” and not step out in faith? So many burdens.
Yes, we women have our callings too. We are all familiar with them….but for me….I am so very glad that God has called me to be a helpmate and not the head. Of course, I am equally important. Equally accountable. But so often I can get so caught up in “me” and my responsibilities that I forget the burden he carries….providing, loving, caring, managing projects in foreign countries, coordinating volunteers, support raising, networking in a country that is not his own, struggling to find personal time to hear from God, balancing time so he really KNOWS his 3 children individually, having fun with friends…..caring for a wife that needs him desperately. His world never stops…and yet he is faithful in a world that throws beauty at him left and right, he holds me tightly each night and brings treats home for us. He laughs at my silliness and prays every night with our children.
I am pondering today ….What kind of wife am I? Do I ease my husbands burdens? Do I let him dream with out judgment? Do I thank him for asking me to marry him when he knew the great responsibility he was taking on? Do I help him take the risks God is calling him to take? Am I joyful? Do I make our home a resting place?
There are many things in this world that demand my attention. Children, work, the endless chores that must be done, ministry, mentoring….and so many times I am asking him continually for more. More affection, more time, more understanding that dinner isn’t done or I need to scoot out for the night to meet with a friend. More more more….how much do I ask of myself to do for him? Am I as good of a wife asI want him to be a husband?
I know that many of you may be a bit more “feminist” minded than me. That’s ok. I used to be as well. But the older I get and the longer I am married I am discovering a few things that I never expected. The next few post will be on these discoveries and I hope you will be encouraged and join me in discussing how we (I) can answer the high calling of being a wife…by understanding the high calling of being a husband.
Blessings dear ones…
Getting Older …but more beautiful?
25 Nov 2011 3 Comments
This post has been in my brain for a few days. I have struggled with how to write it so that I express myself clearly. So,to be very clear….I am getting old.
The other day, I went to my hairstylist for a cut and color. His name is Marwan and he looks like he could be on the reality show for horse jockeys…but anyway, he was very kind as he pulled up his stool and said. “Madame, you should consider going lighter. All your new growth is white. It’s not even gray. I know you don’t like the idea of being blond but..if we try to stay your natural color, you will need to return every 6-8 weeks for a new application.” I blink…I blink again. I breath out and smile pretending that I am fine and reply, “My husband doesn’t like blond. How light are you talking?” He proceeds to say words like honey and wheat…and I pretend to listen but all I can think is….”It’s a normal day. You knew you had white hair…It’s a normal day”. We finally decided on a “dark wheat for the highlights” and the styling began.
After all was said and done I came home with noticeably lighter and shorter hair. To which my family responded very favorably…but that night I laid in bed and waited…waited for an empty house and a quiet moment to ponder my aging. The next morning with my husband gone and kids in school, I stood before a full length mirror in yoga shorts and a tank top. I walked closely and stared into the face of a now woman…I remembered her as a girl. Her first dance recital and the ice cream afterward, I remembered her first bike ride, memories she had long buried, her first date, first heartbreak, and I remember so much like it was yesterday. That girl was now this woman reflected back in the mirror. I proceeded looking down my body, turning this way and that. I am a fitness instructor so I am fairly fit but still my body has changed with the bearing of three children and weight loss and weight gain over the years. And I sighed…not because I was sad but because I know that in another 10 years, all this will change yet again…in fact, it was changing that very second.
As I went about the day, I pondered aging as a woman. I find my husbands aging to be very sexy. The white in his beard is sweet because it tells me that we are fullfilling our vows to grow old together. The laugh lines around his kind blue eyes still make my heartbeat fast. His broad deep chest can still cradel my entire body while sitting in his arms…but my aging…my aging is different. As a woman, the media tells me that I am not what I used to be. That I am somehow a little less. Yes, I can still be beautiful but…not like I used to be. So vainly I started a list, my children think I am beautiful. My husband thinks I am beautiful. My mother, my friends….and then suddenly on the street in Cairo, I stop. I blink. And I am convicted. Convicted that not once have I considered whose opinion matters most. Am I beautiful to God? Is my life, my heart beautiful..not to people….but to God. Because how can one be truly beautiful if God is not pleased with ones beauty?
Honestly, I don’t desire to be young again. I am not depressed about my changing body or hair..but rather I am pondering what am I doing with my life. Am I wiser? Am I blessing others? Am I not more than skin and hair? What will I leave that is ageless? What about my life really counts? Maybe not today or tomorrow but I will oneday be soft skinned, white haired, frailer, it’s inevitable. I will not try and stop that by dressing like I am 14 when I am 40. I will not try and ignore the gift of maturity by immersing myself into pop culture. But what WILL I do?
I don’t yet have the answer to that question but I can tell you what I want the outcome to be. I want to be more beautiful in 10 years. In 10 years, I want to know my Jesus more and I want to bask in the assurance that He is pleased with my life. NOt because I am trendy and young but because I have seen the suffering of His children and done something to ease it. I want to be more beautiful because I am broken for hearts that are lonely. I want to be more beautiful so when people look at my face, they will see the wrikles of a woman who lives in a thrid world country and hands that are a bit worn…but they see and feel the grace of God that has been granted to that face and those hands because my heart is being displayed by them.
I wear so many masks. Masks that lie…everyday…they lie. Masks that make me look peppy and relaxed, happy and content. Oh how I relate to King David when he wrote “Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.” (Ps: 86:11) My heart is so divided. On one hand I desire to be beautiful in my flesh and the other to be beautiful only for God. With all that is changing in my body and time always taking, taking, taking, my youth…how am I to live with anything but purpose? Real purpose! Not some washed up, media pumped idea of chasing senselessly after youth and beauty!!
I am aging…meaning ultimatly that everyday, I am closer to meeting the Lord. I will answer for the life, body, and time given to me. And will I be found beautiful on the day I stand before my Lord? This question must drive me to action. This question must consume me…because if it doesn’t at the end of my life, I will have sold my soul for revitalift night cream and a rather expensive tube of lip gloss.
My Facebook Life vs. My Real Life
02 Aug 2011 7 Comments
What do you see when you look at the above picture? If I were just simply looking at this picture I would observe that this couple was on a lovely vacation somewhere and that the lady in the picture was wearing a super cute skirt (it belongs to my sister-in-law). I would imagine that this couple was absolutely perfectly happy….ALWAYS!!
Well, we were on a lovely vaction and we were happy 99% of the time but I have to confess that the woman standing there, smiling and cozying up to her hottie husband is at war! This whole day my mind was bouncing all over the place. In fact most of the trip I really struggled with culture shock and just the ease of being around family and the relief of being able to be a tourist. Cultural norms of the varying countries didn’t matter because I was simply there for a few days visiting. Many nights I would cry in the shower wondering how I was going to say goodbye to family again. How can I leave this comfort and “western lifestyle”? How do I leave this and go back to Egypt where I am constantly aware of my “foreign-ness” and the fact that I don’t “belong” there. I would listen to my family talk about simple every day things: plans of meeting up to camp, buying a house, or even preparing for school to begin and I often found myself having to swallow a sob that seemed to sit at the base of my throat threatening to burst through at most dinners. You don’t see that the woman in the above picture wants to leave everything God has called her too and run home to where life is not “easy” but it is familiar.
You don’t see the insecurity that she is wrestling with. You don’t see her wondering if the new job she has accepted is to big. You don’t see her fear of failure and her anxiety over looking like a fool to those around her. You don’t see that she wishes she was stronger, more faithful, a better mother, a better wife, a less selfish person….you don’t see it because that is exactly what I don’t want you to see. I came home from this trip and posted picture after picture of beautiful places and smiling faceing on Facebook. And it was amazing…really amazing…but if you simply look at the pictures you don’t learn anything about me. Because the truth about the woman in the picture is this, she is, in fact, at the very moment of this picture being taken thinking,”I don’t want to follow God anymore, it’s too hard…I want to waste my life and stay right here.”
I have been wondering lately about my life. Am I honest with people? Do I just put my best foot forward so people will see what I do and think highly of me? Or do I seek to bring God joy and glory with a quiet heart that is content to fold laundry or spend a few minutes in the pondering a scripture while I do dishes? What is the intention of my heart?
I confess that I want you to see my life..but not my real life with the struggles and insecurities…I want you to see a fun adventurous life. Where maybe you will think that I am interesting or adventurous. Where I can make you think from a mere witty status update or photo that I am somewhat cool. Honestly, sometimes when I open my Facebook I have the same feeling I did in highschool when I looked in the mirror and thought,”Everyone is more together than me. So I’m just going to do my best to not do something stupid.” And for those of you who knew me in high school you know I did LOTS of foolish things!
Last night I was at dinner with my sushi girls (well not Amy because she is still on holiday). We had much to catch up on as it had been 2 months since we were together and I confessed my fear of failure. To which my sweet friends said, “So, who cares if you fail.” And then for some reason I laughed OUT LOUD!! And I was flooded with relief…they are right, WHO CARES? What matters is that I am faithful. What matters is that I am focused not on success but on being faithful to complete the work the Lord has put in front of me. Nanny said, “If you do NOTHING but encourage one person. This is all that matters. In fact, that doesn’t even matter the question is are you being obedient?”
You see here I am in my (**cough**) late thirties…still stuggling with who I am and how to live my life. Struggling to sort through who I am suppose to be and who I want to be. Still looking at myself and feeling like I don’t measure up …and you know why…because I live to serve man. I live for your approval not God’s. For some reason, I find more value in what people think of me than I do about what God thinks. This must change….by the power of the Holy Spirit and the name of Jesus this must change!!!
Do I fix my eyes on Jesus (Hebrews 12:2)? DO I rest in knowing that I live my life for only ONE…and HIS approval of my life is all that matters? Do I realize the ease of living for such a loving Savior. Do I realize that not only am I to live for God ….I am empowered BY HIM to live according to His plans. Plans that He has ordained for me to complete according to His will and His glory?
You see, I am writing this today because I want for you..and for myself to think BIG. Not “success” big like “what can I do to change the world” big. I am talking about shifting our scope from the tunnel vision of our lives to grand scope of a big God. Take the focus off our circumstances and move it to a truth…”WHOSE ARE YOU?” I don’t belong to Trevis, my kids, my mom, Smash….I belong to God!! And in pleasing Him…and finding my identity in HIM, I find that I am able to please and serve the others in my life…not only better..but joyfully!
About the happenings in Egypt!
10 May 2011 2 Comments
Many of you have sent me PM’s on FB wondering how we are dealing with the things happening in Egypt.
I just wanted to let you know that while we aren’t afraid for our lives we are having to be a bit more careful. Violence is increasing. The fitness studio that I teach at was robbed. The factory of one of my best friends here was burned (as in arson) to the ground. Because there is no government the police aren’t really doing anything. No investigation, no real interest. In fact, it was the employees of the factory that stood guard at night to prohibt looters…not police.
As far as safety goes….well….we are only ever as safe as the Lord allows, no matter where we live in the world. But we are being a bit more careful. Choosing only to go to areas that are heavily populated and not being out at night. But daily life is fine for us here in our area of town.
Persecution: I need to touch on this a bit because I need to tell you that it is real and happening everyday here. Often christian women are harrassed, many are losing thier jobs or dealing with malicious gossip and isolation, in certain areas of town they aren’t given the privilege of riding a micro bus. Some women feel that they aren’t given priority when they are at the butcher or grocery store. It’s tough for them. I am not sure what the christian men are experiencing but I know that jobs and such are being affected. Certainly the burden for their families have increased and many fear for the future of thier children.
The reality is that I can’t phathom this. While I am a Christian, I am also foreign and therefore not subjected to most of what they experience. Occassionally, I will have a women “tsk” me but I have many many muslim women in my life who I love and adore who are embarrassed and angered by those kinds of reactions. I personally still feel safe although Trevis will be leaving the country in a few weeks and I am battling anxiety at being here alone and his traveling.
One of the biggest issues I have right now is that I feel like Iwant to go back to a time where I didn’t know of the pressures and struggles of people in the world. Where I sat with no worries in my nice cushy home with my coffee and wondered about paint colors. Because now that I see it. I see the tears and the fears. I hear the worry of mothers for their children I feel heavier and even my lightest moment are laced with a sort of awareness that a few miles away there is suffering. I am ashamed that I am so shallow…I am ashamed that I am so weak that I have no idea what to do. I am ashamed that I can only teach fitness and encourage just a few. I am not enough…..and I am reminded that there is beauty in “not being enough:” because it pulls me to my knees where I am left naked and bare emotionally and spiritually and all I can do is cry “Please OH Savior come. Come release the pain of your people. Bring comfort to those trapped in fear and despair. Please do not tarry one more day for the pain is so very great!! Please with your merciful love make all things new.”
I need to say that when we moved here, I was excited about what God was going to do in my husbands life. I knew He would do something in all our lives but I really thought it was mostly about Trevis. But here, I think GOd has shown me the importance of really suffering. I am not talking about suffering for the sake of suffering. I am talking about the kind that is thrust upon you whether you feel ready or not. You see, suffering is meant to bring us to a point of exhaustion. It’s meant to bring us to a point where nothing makes sense and we are left with NO option but bust out and scream for help, understanding and the will to persever. The absolute beauty of suffering…the absolute amazing design of suffering…is not that it breaks us or isolates us, the beauty is that it designed to make us see the great great need for divine help…it’s to create in us a discontentment for this world and therefore breed in us a desire for heaven…suffering is about seeing why we need God.
Anyway, as usual this has turned into a bit of a sermon. Sorry…it’s my heart today. Thank you for the prayers, emails, FB pm’s. You all are a gift. If you want to get our quarterly updates shoot me your email.
Blessings to you all
BEC
The Responsibility of Friendship
03 May 2011 4 Comments
Last week my dearest friend in all the world, Susanne, called me….in tears. “Where are you?” she asked sobbing. “I need you. I need to talk with you and NOT just once or week or whenever you decide to call. I need you to read my writings and respond. I know it’s hard but I need you!!” I sat on the other end of the phone shocked. Immediately, I began apologizing and explaining that my mom had been here for a month and it was hard to chat. And she listened and cried and said, “I know but…..”…more tears.
I was heartbroken. I had failed her. I had not kept all the promises I have made to love her and to be there whenever she needed me. And in the process this incredible woman who is enduring more suffering than I ever deemed imaginable felt alone. But here’s the thing that I LOVE about my friendship is SHE KNEW SHE HAD THE RIGHT TO EXPECT MY SUPPORT and when I failed her, she let me know. And when I said I was sorry, she imediately forgave me…with a warning that I needed to be more accessible. 
We then proceeded to talk for 2 hours where we laughed and chatted about everything and nothing at all. We had to go when she arrived at her destination and with no words of consequence she said a quick “Oh, I’m here. I gotta go. Love ya”. I got off the call and thought to myself…is there no end to her grace?
You see here is the thing about friendships. They are in levels. Some are distant friends that you can enjoy and relate to intimately and quickly when you see each other. Some are fun in a group. Then there is a special special level where your soul and spirits meet. It’s the sweetest thing in the world to experience. It’s not something that happens often. I have the great privilege of encountering the last type 5 times. These women have the right to pick up the phone tell me to come home because they need me ….and I will try and move heaven and earth to get to them as fast as I can.
Now something that we don’t think to much of is the respondsibility of friendship. Most of us sort of fall into them with no thought and are usually based on circumstance. But I am going to ask you to think a bit deeper for the moment. You see when you enter into a “soul sister” friendship you enter into a commitment that is quite deep and needs to be examined thouroughly. It needs to be recognized that there is a respondsiblity on your part to become selfless. You need to recognize that BEING a friend is just as important as having one. You need to understand that inevitably you will be let down and you need to be willing to forgive easily. You need to be excited when God blesses them with friends, a house, a new job and freely give your love. You need to be willing to pray and let God do in their lives what HE wants them to do or go through…and not what you want.
Currently 2 of my 5 friends are suffering terribly and contact is hard. Especially with the time difference. The cirucmstances of thier sufferings are not short nor small. They are not quick fixes. They are long drawn our sufferings that will leave scars and pain upon thier lives until they are renewed at the feet of Jesus. Most of the time, all I can say is, “I am so sorry.” Most of the time, I have no words and all I can do is leave a message on Whatsap or Facebook. Most of the time I feel that I am failing miserably because I promised, I PROMISED to love them, to be there. Not seeing Susanne and Cari’s faces over the last months have caused me to nearly go insane with grief BUT on the flip side….I have begged God the last few months for Him to minister to them. I have held my hands open and asked God to give them peace, comfort. I have even prayed that God would bring a new friend into their lives who will love them and support them because the idea of them not having someone spoil them with treats, laughter or a physical touch is painful to me.
You see friendship is not simply a gift. I mean….it is….but it’s also a huge respondsiblity. If all you see is the gift then I ask you to rotate your view and look at it from the otherside. This week I have thought alot about my friends and the absolute blessing they are to me…but I have had to ask myself some pretty deep questions. Like, Am I only a good friend when it’s easy? Do I go beyond myself to serve them? Am I really concerned in the beginning and then sort of slowly step back when I realize that this isn’t going to get easier? I wrestle with myself because I realize that regardless of the time difference and the fact that my mom was here…I realize that I could have tried harder. Yes, things here are hard but that does not negate my respondisiblity to them. You see these women are not merely friends. These women are 2 of the many visible hands of Gods love in my life and they have the right to expect me to love them …fully….with no limits….with no excuses.
I can tell you that you risk alot when you enter into such deep friendships. It’s your heart and secrets, your strength and your sanity, your faults and fears, it’s your trust and insecurities. I firmly believe that you only cry with those who you laugh with. DO have friends like that? And have you placed your friendship in the hands of God and said not just “thank you” but “use me a servant of your love”? One of my other dearest friends always used to say, “hold everything with your palms up and open.” You see when we place our friendships in the hands of God, He will use them to encourage, build, change, challenge, support each other. Sometimes even go beyond what we ever expected. He will use them and use you to reveal very hard truths to each other. Often times one of these ladies have said something that I would never recieve from another soul…..and it’s changed me. It’s made me better.
You see as I sit here I think of how precious these friendships are and I realize that they have usually been refined and sweetened through hard times. When we have walked though maritial issues, or health concerns, sever depressions, grout issues (lol)…the list goes on. They are sweeter not because things were always fun and laughter. But because together we saw God change us …binding us together in Him….being tools of truth and grace to each other. I pray that God continues this with these friendships in my life. I pray that I am given their trust and that I will not fail them. I pray that my hands will be open and my heart understanding as God moves and shapes thier lives because in the end…in the end (or the beginning really) when all things are made new I want to stand at the feet of my Savior next to my family and loved ones and I want say “Thank you Lord for trusting me to be part of the life of these precious ones you have called as your own.” And as we cast our crowns at the feet of the ONE more worthy of praise than any other I want us to be TOGETHER……..
blessing
bec
This sucks!
29 Mar 2011 4 Comments
Lately the pain of life has come to the fore front of my life. Two of my very best friends in all the world are suffering. Not suffering like I suffer with daily life with kids that can’t seem to stay well…but really gut wrenching suffering. Many of you know about (my BFF) Susanne’s son Ryan’s accident. Most of you know that she lost her nephew in a recent car accident and the sister and brother in law are still in a coma in Florida. My other dear friend (will not be named because I don’t have her permission) recently discovered that her mother is dying of cancer and has just a short time to live.
There aren’t words to describe the love I have for these women. It’s immeasurable and while I so wish I had words of great encouragment the truth is….this just freaking sucks. And yeah…I know that God is in control and I really do see Him but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t just stink to high heaven that my friends are in pain.
Usually, these blog post sort of turn into a little mini sermon of hope. And the truth is…there is great hope. Hope beyond measure but my heart hurts today and while I am crying out to God on their behalf all I find myself saying is, “God this sucks! Please do not let them give up. Please do not let them feel alone.” Sometimes being raw is all we have. Sometimes just laying it out there needs to happen because that is the only way I know how to lay things down at the cross. I know God rebuked Job for doing it but on the upside Job HEARD FROM GOD. Even a rebuke is more welcomed than silence.
Tonight as I write this I am in fear of losing my friends. Afraid that I will say the wrong thing and not be the encourager I need to be. Afraid I will push to hard for them to believe only for them to hear these words from ‘someone not in their shoes’. I am afraid because I can’t look into their eyes and wrap my arms around them and speak with my heart what I can not say with my mouth. I am afraid …not because I do not have faith…I do really…I am afraid because I know that grief is not something that is fixed. It comes in cycles. It lingers and somedays it’s in your face and others it’s in your shadow and I don’t have visual cues to see how they are doing. I don’t have the ability to see if my friend is wearing high heels (which means she’s feeling awesome) or frumpy pants and running shoes (which means I show up at her house with a 1/2 Caff soy Milky Way frap from Dutch Bros). I only talk to Susanne about every other day when we can catch each other instead of the 10 times a day I did when I lived in the US. So I don’t know the small silly things in life like when Ben chipped a tooth or she got to see her friend Gabby. It’s so hard….to do this from a distance…you know what…it just sucks!! It sucks that they are suffering and my heart hurts for them.
This is where you imagine me crossing my arms and pouting. This is also where I play the remember game with myself where I recount all the stories of faith and the massive acts that God has done in my life. And I have done this but right now…right now….I want so desperately to be home with them. I want so desperately to not have to depend on words. I want so desperately for this to just not suck!!
