This sucks!
29 Mar 2011 4 Comments
Lately the pain of life has come to the fore front of my life. Two of my very best friends in all the world are suffering. Not suffering like I suffer with daily life with kids that can’t seem to stay well…but really gut wrenching suffering. Many of you know about (my BFF) Susanne’s son Ryan’s accident. Most of you know that she lost her nephew in a recent car accident and the sister and brother in law are still in a coma in Florida. My other dear friend (will not be named because I don’t have her permission) recently discovered that her mother is dying of cancer and has just a short time to live.
There aren’t words to describe the love I have for these women. It’s immeasurable and while I so wish I had words of great encouragment the truth is….this just freaking sucks. And yeah…I know that God is in control and I really do see Him but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t just stink to high heaven that my friends are in pain.
Usually, these blog post sort of turn into a little mini sermon of hope. And the truth is…there is great hope. Hope beyond measure but my heart hurts today and while I am crying out to God on their behalf all I find myself saying is, “God this sucks! Please do not let them give up. Please do not let them feel alone.” Sometimes being raw is all we have. Sometimes just laying it out there needs to happen because that is the only way I know how to lay things down at the cross. I know God rebuked Job for doing it but on the upside Job HEARD FROM GOD. Even a rebuke is more welcomed than silence.
Tonight as I write this I am in fear of losing my friends. Afraid that I will say the wrong thing and not be the encourager I need to be. Afraid I will push to hard for them to believe only for them to hear these words from ‘someone not in their shoes’. I am afraid because I can’t look into their eyes and wrap my arms around them and speak with my heart what I can not say with my mouth. I am afraid …not because I do not have faith…I do really…I am afraid because I know that grief is not something that is fixed. It comes in cycles. It lingers and somedays it’s in your face and others it’s in your shadow and I don’t have visual cues to see how they are doing. I don’t have the ability to see if my friend is wearing high heels (which means she’s feeling awesome) or frumpy pants and running shoes (which means I show up at her house with a 1/2 Caff soy Milky Way frap from Dutch Bros). I only talk to Susanne about every other day when we can catch each other instead of the 10 times a day I did when I lived in the US. So I don’t know the small silly things in life like when Ben chipped a tooth or she got to see her friend Gabby. It’s so hard….to do this from a distance…you know what…it just sucks!! It sucks that they are suffering and my heart hurts for them.
This is where you imagine me crossing my arms and pouting. This is also where I play the remember game with myself where I recount all the stories of faith and the massive acts that God has done in my life. And I have done this but right now…right now….I want so desperately to be home with them. I want so desperately to not have to depend on words. I want so desperately for this to just not suck!!
Mar 29, 2011 @ 22:18:07
Perhaps tomorrows I will be more of an encouragment. Maybe I will title a post called Tantrums and Healing…but that sounds a little to Hindu and I’m not sure that a tantrum is quite edifying. Needless to say this will have a part 2 someday…that will be a response to this…let’s hope that day is soon!
Mar 30, 2011 @ 00:03:54
My pastor’s words ring in my thoughts reminding me, “Don’t oversimplify suffering or God.” So sorry, Rebecca. Hard things hurt. God is faithful, “Though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.” Our God will not let go of His dearly beloved child.
Mar 30, 2011 @ 04:19:54
Ahhh Rebecca. You always have a way of getting to the heart of the matter. And yes- your words are a comfort and a balm for my hurting heart. The fact that you are a million miles away is not ideal, but our friendship transcends that, and you have a way of making the miles seem small. If only everyone had a friend as thoughtful as you- this world would be a better place. Love you BFF.
Apr 11, 2011 @ 18:04:09
God knows your heart ….. and your friends are blessed by your expression of love through the frustration of not being able to “be” there where they are! Bless you, sweet Rebecca!