The joy of submission

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Trevis and I have been married for 8 years -9 in March. We have a great marriage..we flirt like we just met and it is really true that we totally enjoy being around each other. But I have to be honest with you and tell you that -that has not always been the case. In fact, about 5 years ago we were on the brink of destruction. Because we had children I do not think we would have ever divorced (he has always been an incredible father) but certainly we were headed toward a loveless and dead state of being. He did his thing and I did mine. We were not partners. We did not trust each others judgment and we certainly did not feel safe with each other. Finally, we sought counseling from our church. The counseling, while done with a good heart, was just not working. We were handed a few books, told about love languages and set off for a week of homework. Trevis and I tried really hard in this time. We tried to be nice and patient but honestly…it was forced and felt like a ton of bricks was on our shoulders. We were exhausted.

So Christmas came and we went to Prineville. All of our family was there and it was a fun but one night I found myself in our room. Not wanting to see Trevis ever again. It was one of the worst nights of my life. I have absolutely NEVER doubted that Trevis was the man for me but I had often wondered WHY God would put us together. Anyway, as I lay there on the bed I began to read a book…I have no idea what the book is because I only read one sentence…the sentence spoke about a wife who was submissive and a help mate. My first thought on reading this was ….I bet those women have supportive husbands. But God was not about to let me get off that easy. I began to realize that I was anything but submissive. I wanted my way 98% of the time. When it wasn’t my way..I didn’t freak out I just harbored resentment in my heart. I would feel certain that Trevis was just trying to make my life hard.

That night God opened my eyes to that fact that while books and love languages could be useful…it was HIM that had all the answers. Well being the complete chicken that I am I repented to the Lord but decided that I was not going to tell Trevis I was just going to start being supportive and more submissive. After all…I did not trust that he would not completely walk all over me. The next day…you guessed it…it was the “same ole same ole”. I should add here that Trevis was never a bad husband…..he was just disengaged. I was not a terrible wife I was just selfish.

Skipping 2 days ahead-Trevis and I are in the car coming home. The car is silent because the kids are asleep and we had nothing to say to each other as usual. Finally, as we round this huge turn in Warm Springs, OR I hear the Lord say,”Tell him. Say your sorry.” I opened my mouth and out came these words. “Trevis I have something to tell you. I am not a good wife. I am not submissive and I am not a helpmate. I am totally afraid to tell you this because I am afraid you will hurt me and use this to walk all over me but…I need you to forgive me.” After 4 or 5 eternally long minutes he humbly and brokenly said, “Rebecca, I don’t know how to lead us.” We talked all the way home. It was the first time in a least a year that I felt close to him.

With the power of the Holy Spirit, a bible, lots of prayer, many tears and a few supporting friendships our difficult journey began. Sometimes I was too passive and he was too controlling. Then the opposite. But God gave us the strength to change. To say I’m sorry. To ask forgiveness and repent together. Whenever people hear this story they are a little shocked because little is left of that marriage. Believe me…we have not figured out all the kinks and I pray everyday that by Gods grace we stay on course and finish well …together.

I write this tonight because earlier today Trevis and I had a tiff about apple pie. I know, I know of all the things..but as I think about it…. I am relieved that I trust him now..he is always trying to do what is best for me and the kids. It is so different than those early years. This tiff will end and we will still laugh hysterically tonight. We will poke fun at the other and eventually come up with some silly inside joke about it. For all those who struggle with the idea of submission and being a real helpmate I just want to say this.

“I have walked the road of being an in charge woman who controls and manipulates people for my benefit. Let me tell you that joy is not there. But there is an abundance of regret. But by being a woman who loves the Lord and desires to serve him by serving her husband, I have found more joy, more laughter, more grace and love from my husband than ever before. Repentance is hard but it is the only way to Christ. And it is Christ alone who can make my life worth while.”

UPDATE!! I just read this great post called 10 things husbands want wives to know. Check it out. It is incredibly insightful and encouraging. Thanks Lylah!!

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