Oh Hey-I’m still alive

Hey yall!! So sorry about how long it’s been since I have posted. We are still alive but life has been busy and I decided that because my heart has been rather heavy the last few months I would spare everyone the gory details. Soon I will return with pics and tons of thoughts that God has been teaching me during the last few months…. and I finally did post most of the comments you all sent.

Today is an exceptional day-the sun in shining in the NW and Sheryl Crow is streaming through my house while I clean and get ready for ALL of Trevis’s family to come and visit next week. The entire Smith Family (18 of us) is taking the Great Wolf Lodge by storm and I am certain that staff will not know what hit them when we are done. Then we will celebrate, my bro in law Jory, as he is graduating next weekend with his PHD in Psychology. SO SO PROUD OF HIM (and Lanny, too).   As usual,we are gearing up for a big summer. Jorden’s in baseball, selling everything we own, continuing to support raise for our move to the ME in January, hosting Ani (our beloved Basque Student), and just trying to live a life that is pleasing to the Lord.

Thanks for hanging in there with me and check back around the first week in May. Love yall

Just a little something…

Thanks for your patience. Not much has changed we are still waiting. I should say that the kids are LOVING school and both recently got awards for the spirit of cooperation and leadership in their classes. We were very proud!! Of course, I forgot my camera so you will just have to take my word for it! I wanted to share this little bit from the Ellen Show. I very rarely watch TV but a friend sent this to me and I could not resist posting it. It’s a bit long (almost 7 mins) but I promise it is worth it!! I could not stop laughing. Really really funny-enjoy

Yet another sad update

Well, I just need to say that I have the best friends in the world! So thanks for caring and loving and praying for us during this hard time.

I haven’t posted but on Friday (1/16) we got more news that was not good. It seems that there will be more waiting (surprise, surprise) and then to put a cherry on all of this -it appears that Kryg. law states that only children with special needs should be available for inter-country adoption. I am not sure how long that has been the law but it certainly has not always been practiced. According to our agency, as of now, the Ministry of Education (MOE) has asked for all the children who have been referred for inter country adoption to be re-evaluated to see IF they are special needs. We don’t know for sure what will happen if they are not deemed special needs but there is a chance (not for sure) that our referral will be taken away and then be available only for domestic adoption in Kyrg.

At this point, Trevis is standing in the gap for us. He is fighting and pleading before the Lord as David did when he sought to save the life of his first child with Bathsheba. I am grateful for his determination-this is what makes him my hero. I, on the other hand, am just coming before the Lord asking him for the grace to trust Him-no matter what the outcome. I do not feel the despair that I did a week ago-I know that God will do what will glorify Him the most and it is to that end that we endeavor to do anything at all. Even if the outcome doesn’t make sense to me-I know His will is best. Continue to pray with us …I promise to do some light post with some pics soon. Again, thanks everyone for your patience and generous hearts of encouragement.

Quick adoption update~

We got an update…..there is not much new on the Kryg side of things. Our agency is hopeful that things will start moving for those of us who have referrals but it could still be awhile. Those who were waiting for referrals may now be looking at other options and countries.

If we are dear friends you have heard me say, “We need to sit down and chat”. That is my code for “serious stuff is going on”. Well “we need to sit down and chat”-Trevis and I had different reactions to this update. He seemed to feel it wasn’t terrible, just more of the same. I felt like jumping off a bridge (ok that is figuratively speaking). Micah turned 8 months on the 12th (tears now), and my arms literally ache to hold him. Every action I do with my children I have at home screams at me that Micah is not here. I have never wanted to make another sandwich, pour a cup of juice, wash another head, change another diaper so badly in my life!! How long–I hear the words of King David in Psalm 40 (sung by Bono , of course) “How Long, How long must I sing this song…”. Every time I hear “Fix you” by Coldplay I just about double over with pain. I know He IS in control, I know He IS for our good and Micahs. I know! I know! I know! But I don’t FEEL that today…maybe tomorrow, maybe in an hour but not right now!

I tell you this because, I feel like to say anything else would be a lie. I try not to be soo terribly vulnerable here but today-this is what I have-please pray for us, for me-that I would not give up, pray for Micah who needs a family!

***So it has been a few hours and I can not even tell you how much I appreciate your calls, email, post left here and on FB. I am a bit better. God is faithful to me even when I am not faithful to Him. I thought about erasing this post. It is a bit embarrassing now that my head is more clear, but I will leave it. 1. Because it is true and I don’t want to lie and pretend to be more faithful/stronger than I am. 2. Because be it adoption, jobs, or whatever-I think we have all come to a point where we feel that we have nothing left to offer. God is good and used all of you today to minister comfort. Thank you so very much!

Smith-capades

Happy New Year Yall!!

Our Christmas was really good and despite terrible weather my in-laws made it for Christmas. But because of terrible weather we were all cooped up for about a week. During these blurry days I read the entire Twilight series (sooo amazingly good) and I watched my father-in-law become the fiercest WII golf player on the the planet!! Finally when the roads began to clear up, Trevis and I got out for a much needed dated with some dear friends. Of course, we did a few super fun family events, as well. We hit the Blazer v. Raptors game, where the Blazers had an exciting win and then we went ice skating. I don’t have pictures of the game…but I have some of our ice skating because my sweet mother-in-law took some when she would stop by on a short break from her retail therapy!!

My son is fearless-he had never skated before and refused to hang by the side. I was completely awed at how well he did…all things considered!

The girls stuck together when they were not being assisted by me, daddy or their Pop-Pop. Sooo sweet…

Trevis and I had a little fun ourselves. Once, while on an ice skating date with a girl in HS, Trevis nearly broke his dates leg. So this was a big step for him… I was so impressed at bravery and his ability to laugh while being so focused!! Seriously, we haven’t laughed that hard in a LONG time!!

This is a little pic. of our neighbors house from our porch on Christmas day! ….talk about a white Christmas…I think we all got more than what we bargained for…even better…I think school will be cancelled again tomorrow-because it is snowing yet again..AGGHHHH!!!

The Freedom of Christmas

I have a confession. Because of Facebook I am running into alot of people that I used to know in high school and college. This is great and I love it…but I have to say that it poses somewhat of a problem for me. You see, I am not the same person I was back then. Yes, I know we all change.. but I mean, I am REALLY not the same person. In fact, I usually feel the overwhelming need to apologize to anyone that knew me before 2003. Though, I came to know the Lord in 1989-it took years for God to really impact my way of thinking. I look back at who I was, especially during college, and I just cringe at what a wretched little selfish girl I was. Please do not get me wrong…I am still selfish (and wretched) but …..not like that. Recently, I had the opportunity to apologize to an old college boyfriend who was really a great guy…but I had no idea what to do with him because I had no idea how to look farther than my own reflection and selfishness. As a result, I was not honest with him and showed very little (if any) concern for his heart when the relationship ended. My actions toward him have caused me great shame for many years. God was good and merciful to give me the opportunity to repent, it was healing to lay down such a heavy burden. Though, I must say there are many people who I have hurt in the past and deserve an apology.

I am saying this tonight because I realized that I do not live what I believe. I believe that God can make all things new. He can transform a broken tainted life and make it beautiful. I believe He can raise what was dead and make it new. I know this because of what he did in my marriage. (See that here) I know this…because though I still wrestle with many selfish things…I am changed and continually being changed.

But here is the problem, I still feel the shame of who I was and of my actions for all those years in the past. So the question I feel my spirit asking is, “Do you believe that Jesus is what He said He is? Do you believe that Jesus can do what He says He can do?” Paul wrote in 2 Cor. 5:17 , “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” I have read these words for years but, only recently, am I trying to wrap my brain around the absolute power and freedom found in them. I DO believe them…but I don’t live and walk in this truth everyday. I live with a thin film of shame on my life. It has wrapped very comfortably around me like an old blanket that serves no purpose. This is NOT what being a “new creation” means. In order for me to walk in this truth, I must pray and ask God to give me the wisdom, understanding and strength to continually remind myself that I am forgiven. I have to continually remind myself that I am not that same girl. I have to continually remind myself that Jesus has made me new and the old has passed away!! I have to continually remind myself that I am FREE! FREE to enjoy the grace that God has given me, FREE to share about what God is doing and has done in my life. I am FREE to be me…the me found in Christ, the me that lives for His Glory and not my own!!

This is important right now, to me, because Christmas is only a day away. You see, I am celebrating the coming of Jesus differently this year than in years past. Sure, I have always known that Jesus came to forgive us. I have, at times, so casually said this that I wonder if I really meant it at all. I have sung countless Christmas hymns with such a flighty heart that I am certain I was not worshiping my Lord. But this year I realize this birth was the beginning of a life that was only to be lived in order to bring about forgiveness of our sins and to empower us to walk in victory over them. My sins -though vast in number and more wicked than I dare say~ are no more. How great is our God? How must He love us to give such great grace when we are so vile? This child that we sing about and celebrate came to die for our freedom. Freedom from sin, so that we may look at the Father with an unveiled face and stand forgiven~free of shame!! O there is no gift as sweet as the gift of Jesus and the life I have found in Him!

Hark the Herald angels sings, “GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING.
Peace on Earth and mercy mild; GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED”

Let it snow

Here in the NW it snowed, rained and then snowed some more. I love it!! Aside from the fact that my in- laws are delayed from coming for a few days…I could not be happier. Trevis has had plenty of exercise running up and down hills for sled runs with the kids and I get to make yummy treats for them when they come home. This is the life for me. I lived in Colorado for a few years and I have to say that I loved it there….it is the perfect combination of snow and sun. However, the NW is a close second-so anytime a snowman can be built in my yard-I have to get out there and have some fun!!

On top of all this amazing snow is about half an inch of ice. So the kids are really loving smashing huge ice pieces. I wish I had taken pictures this morning (but my camera batteries were charging) of Trevis and Jorden pretending to be Karate guys who break boards with their hands. It was hilarious -even more funny was how manly Jorden felt all day as a result.

This afternoon I tried to take some pictures of our yard but it was getting dark. But this one of the “wiggly tree” explains why when Ava went outside she said, “It looks like twinkles are falling”. So cute!! It really did seem like glitter was falling from the sky. We just stood there for a minute in silence (which is rare) and watched. Of course seconds later my son came running and screaming out of the house and jumped off the deck to break the ice with his “super sonic jump.” So much for peaceful reflective moments…

I did manage to get a picture of backyard before the kids attacked it-so peaceful.

The last picture is of Jorden and Ava. My son beat through the ice to make a path for his little sister. When I saw this picture-I could not help but think of my marriage. Jorden has learned well from his father that God has called him to love, care and protect his family. Thank you Trevis for fighting the battles of life to make our journey as a family easier. You are my hero!

Because we are planning on moving to Egypt next year, we know this could very well be the last big snow we experience here in Vancouver-so we are really trying to enjoy this time to its fullest. (Rumor has it that it doesn’t snow much there.) So all I have to say is…let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!

A bit of comic relief

This blog has been a bit serious lately and I am not a very serious person. So I decided to lighten things up just a bit. Below is an old post I am bring back to life because 1. there is no time to write a new post and 2. lots of us are dealing with big things and I want you to find joy in the fact that at least these things have not happened to you.

You know….I think something is wrong with me. I can teach my children how to read, add, subtract and write but I can not think clearly. And when I do think clearly, my actions want to keep me humble and I go and fall or break something. Here are a few examples.

About a year ago an environmentalist lady came to my door in hopes of getting me to donate a few dimes toward lobbying against mines at the bottom of Mount St. Helens. She did a fabulous job of explaining how bad this would be for the environment and how it would contaminate the water. She continued to convey how this would be really bad for the hikers, dogs and those who ride horses along the trails. I was growing more and more tense (no, not because this took 10 mins and my children were painting themselves and the bathroom mirror with toothpaste) but because I was truly concerned and horrified this was something our government would sanction. So I desperately said to the lady,”Doesn’t the UN have laws against this? I don’t know why you would be so concerned about contaminated water when people will be losing arms and legs and horses will be exploding!!!” She looked at me. Her face was blank. She then said with pressed lips, “Mines….like for minerals. Not LAND MINES!!” She quickly walked off my porch. I stood pondering my misunderstanding.

Another example is the time I walked into Safeway to grab a loaf of bread and I thought someone had snuck up behind me. I screamed and fell backwards onto the floor only to realize that I had walked and gotten tangled in a bunch of balloons. It took two people and an army knife to free me.

And then there is the time I hit the fire alarm in a hotel thinking it was the button to start the bubbles in the hot tub.

Perhaps, the worst was meeting my in-laws. The first time I met them was one Thanksgiving. We lived in Colorado Springs and there had been enough snow to delay their flight home. So I volunteered to take Jan (my mother-in-law) and Becky (Trev’s aunt) and Jory (Trev’s middle Brother) to the Broadmoor. This hotel is a 5 star resort. It is nestled in the foothills of the Rocky mountains and is absolutely gorgeous! The day after Thanksgiving they had an ice sculpture exhibit surrounding the pond behind the resort. We went and were getting to know each other. It was akward. We came to a life size sculpture of Santa and 8 life size reindeer. It was magnificent. So knowing that Jan loved to take pictures, I suggested that Jory and I climb up in the sleigh for a picture. We climbed up and all seemed to be fine until I grabbed the velvet rope connected to all the reindeer. As soon as I did this 8 life size reindeer came crashing to the ground. It sounded like a chandelier had fallen!! In a panic we all started to run toward the hotel…”Into the gift shop!” yells Jan. “Oh sure! No one will think to look there!” I said sarcastically. The four of us ran and hid in a corner with a grand piano in front of it. All laughing and out of breath, Jan looks at me and says, “Well, you’ve got no where to go but up!!” Thus began a wonderful relationship!

This is not a complete list by any means. So today when you are down and distressed..remember no matter what happens, you can take comfort in and celebrate knowing …..YOU AREN”T ME!! If you have any moments like the above…I would love to hear them. More laughter is always needed.

From the horses mouth..

Well, it seems that my recent post will continue to a serve as a reminder to me. We got more news and you can read it for yourselves here. We are encouraged that the country has not CLOSED..but honestly, I am struggling in my faith. I am struggling to understand how this is good for us or Micah. I sympathize with the disciples when they said, “Lord, help my unbelief.”

Trevis continues to be just amazing and unwavering in his love and gentleness towards me. He is not used to having a teary wife. Of course, he is totally used to me being overly dramatic and sassy -but not teary. However, we both have a peace that passes all understanding. We still have joy and are able to see the blessings that we have. The children pray for Micah every chance they get and I pray that God will use this time to grow their faith as well.

All of that to say..keep praying for us.

Don’t Waste Your Wait..

Waiting is sort of the theme of our lives these days. Adoption is all about waiting. Emotions have run high and low and pending on the hour, we may be doing well with the wait or not doing well at all. However about 2 weeks ago, I was inspired by an article written by John Piper. A few years ago he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. During his treatment he wrote an article called “Don’t Waste Your Cancer”.This got me thinking…how do I not waste this wait.  So here is what I have come up with.

1.You will waste your wait if you fall into self-pity and become self absorbed. When we are self absorbed nothing else and no one else matters. Therefore we quit loving and serving others. Even if we are still going through the motions…it is in vain if we do not love.

2. You will waste your wait if you pull away from relationships. People may not fully understand what you are dealing with but… retreating helps no one. Staying connected forces you to remain vulnerable and stretches others to become compassionate.

3.You will waste your wait if you try to figure out what is wrong with you. Often people make deals with God in desperation. “Show me what you want and I will do it”! Somehow thinking that if we were better or different the waiting would end. Make no mistake being “better” doesn’t make us entitled and being changed is a process.

4.You will waste your wait if you make the wait about getting what you want. Waiting refines us it produces faith, perseverance…if we make the wait about “getting our way” or “what we want” then we have missed an opportunity to be changed into a better likeness of Christ.

5. You will waste your wait if you equate waiting with doing nothing. Waiting is a verb. You are doing something. Everyday is one day closer to the end or the answer. Every breath is an opportunity to be patient and grow into a deeper trust of Jesus.

6. You will waste your wait if you are afraid to be changed. We hold so tightly to who we are …or who we think we are. Becoming weak and vulnerable is a good thing. Once we realize that suffering is part of being human, that grows in us a desire to love deeper, speak truthfully, and give grace more easily. 

7.You will waste your wait if you try to “arrive”. The truth is acceptance is not what God has asked of me. He is saying is “Long for your son, ache for your son, don’t be content that he is not home. But realize that I am Almighty. Realize that I am able. Realize that I keep you and your son. And through this time seek to know me, seek to know my peace!”

8. You will waste your wait if you detach from the object of your wait. For those of us adopting this may be rather hard. Some days, I can not look at pictures of Micah and others I can. But God is using this time to grow a great deep love for him in my heart and in the heart of those around us. Whatever it is we are waiting for, it hard because it is personal-that is ok, be faithful to bring it all back in constant prayer.

9. You will waste your wait if you assume that waiting is easier for others. This causes us to not receive proper encouragement. When we feel that our wait is harder or our circumstance is different what we are really saying is,”I am entitled to struggle or be impatient because it is me and my situation is more personal.”

10. You will waste your wait if your assume that God is distant. The point of waiting is to reveal to you how incredibly close God is TO YOU. God is so good, so kind, so loving that as you wait and grieve and wonder…He comforts. He wants to reveal more of Himself. Not only is He in control He CARES!

11. You will waste your wait if you think the waiting is about you. Waiting is a gift. Not an easy one but it is one that causes us to realize that we have no control, we have no influence, we have no ability to change things. Waiting is about coming to the ultimate realization that life is about GOD. It is about His will, His authority and His glory.

Please understand that I do all of the things listed above everyday…and unfortunately, I will always wrestle with these things because I am a sinner. Once Micah is home, I hope that I seek the Lord then, as much as I do now. I must confess, that more than likely, I will not. I am weak in faith. I am slow to trust and I am quick to panic. My biggest prayer is that I will be transformed. Truly changed!! 

*I also want to add that if you are not a believer in Jesus Christ my list may not make sense  to you. Please know I would love to talk with you. Jesus is not like Mary Kay…I don’t have a sales pitch but I do have a story. I’ll listen to yours, if you will listen to mine.